Mudrost

Gift Wrapping Tips for Men

Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.

The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally & dipped in a mixture of food coloring & liquid starch. They must be smoking crack. If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag & stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning:

YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.

In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.

Short but awfully bad

Q: What has the Irish weather and Cher got in common?

A: Neither of them has been f**king sunny in a long time.

IF A WOMAN SAYS................... SHE MEANS

40-ish .................................. 49
Adventurous .......................... Nymphomaniac
Artistic.................................Depressive
Athletic................................. Flat-chested
Beautiful ............................... Pathological liar
Bubbly .................................. Never shuts up
Contagious Smile .................... Bring your penicillin
Educated .............................. Opinionated
Emotionally Secure.................. Medicated
Feisty..................................Offensive
Feminist ............................... Fat, hairy ball-buster
Free Spirit............................. Substance user
Friendly................................Homely and / or promiscuous
Friendship First....................... Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun.....................................Annoying
Gentle.................................Comatose
Good Listener........................ Borderline Autistic
Gregarious............................ Drunk and / or promiscuous
New-Age.............................. All body hair, all the time
Old fashioned........................ Lights out, missionary position only
Open minded......................... Ugly and / or desperate
Outgoing ............................Loud
Passionate...........................Loud and manic
Professional ........................Real witch
Rubanesque........................... Grossly fat
Romantic .............................Looks better by candlelight
Voluptuous............................ Very fat
Wants soulmate...................... Borderline stalker
Young at heart....................... Old

IF A MAN SAYS............... HE MEANS

40-ish........................... 55 and looking for a 25yo
Artistic ......................... Unwashed
Athletic ........................ Sits on couch and watches sport
Average looking.............. Unusual hair growth on ears, nose and back
Bon viveur..................... Drunk
Creative ....................... Broke
Dependable .................. Boring
Educated ...................... Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit .................... Serial philanderer
Friendship First ............. Tight-fisted and / or ugly
Fun.............................. Good with a remote and a six-pack
Good Looking ............... Arrogant
Honest ........................ Pathological Liar
House Trained .............. Lifts seat before splashing floor
Huggable ..................... Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Intellectual .................. Arrogant, boring, bearded and / or bald
Likes to Cuddle............. Insecure, overly dependant
Loyal .......................... Desperate
Mature......................... Old
Open minded................ Wants to sleep with your sister as well
Physically fit ............... Spends a lot of time admiring himself
Rugged ....................... Raddled
Spiritual ..................... Once went to church with his grandmother
Stable ........................ Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Successful .................. Sad
Thoughtful .................. Says "please" when demanding a beer

Finally - a decent chain letter!

Hello, my name is Billy and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe, if you send them on, a poor six-year-old girl in Scotland with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show.

And, do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give $1000 to you, and everyone to whom you send “his” email?

How stupid are we?

Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I’ll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!

What a bunch of bullshit.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomise me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by St Peter in 5AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrim stowaways on the Endeavour.

Fuck ‘em!!

If you’re going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing.

I’ve seen all the “send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being” forwards about 90 times. I don’t fucking care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you’re actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it’s our own unpopularity.

The point being?

If you get some chain letter that’s threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.

If it’s funny, send it on.

Don’t piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the arse of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he’ll receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

Have a nice day.

Billy Connolly

COCKROACH VS. WEATHERMAN

Report Card

Father: Let me see your report card.

Son: My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.

Men are like....

1. Men are like ...Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like...Bananas ....... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ......Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ....Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like .....Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head
right for your hips.
6. Men are like ....Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like ....Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ......Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .....Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like ...Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many
inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ........Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like ...Parking Spots ....... All the good ones are taken, the
rest are handicapped.

Samo slučajnost ?

Abraham Lincoln
i
John F. Kennedy



Abraham Lincoln je 1860.
izabran za predjsednika.

John F. Kennedy je 1960.
izabran za predsjednika.




Abraham Lincoln je 1846.
izabran za kongres.

John F. Kennedy je 1946.
izabran za kongres.




Imena Lincoln i Kennedy
oba imaju po 7 slova.

Obojica su bili borci za

ljudska prava.





Supruge obojice predsjednika
izgubile su dijete dok su
živjele u Bijeloj kući.

Oba predsjednika su ubijena
hicem u glavu.





Obojica predsjednika ubijena

su u petak.

Lincolnova tajnice zvala se - Kennedy.

Kennedyjeva tajnica zvala se - Lincoln.




Obojicu predsjednika ubili su
južnjaci.

Obojicu predsjednika naslijedili su

južnjaci.




Imena obojice nasljednika

imaju 6 slova i obojici je prezime bilo Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, nasljednik Lincolna,
rođen je 1808.

Lyndon Johnson, nasljednik Kennedyja,
rođen je 1908.




John Wilkes Booth, Lincolnov ubojica,
rođen je 1839 .

Lee Harvey Oswald, Kennedijev ubojica,

rođen je 1939.



Obojica su poznata po svoja 3 imena.

Zbir slova u njihova tri imena u oba slučaja
je 15 .


Lincoln je umro u kazalištu ”Kennedy”.

Kennedy je umro u automobilu
marke “Lincoln”.




John Wilkes Booth je pokušao pobjeći iz
kazališta a bio uhapšen u jednoj zgradi.

Lee Harvey Oswald pokušao je pobjeći iz
zgrade i bio uhapšen u kazalištu.




I Booth i Oswald ubijeni su prije
suđenja...

A sada ono najnevjerojatnije...




Tjedan dana prije ubojstva Lincoln je bio na odmoru u Monroe, Maryland.

Tjedan dana prije ubojstva, Kennedy je bio na odmoru sa Marilyn Monroe.




Da li je to sve slučajnost… ?

Ili je moguće da sudbinom upravlja
viša sila koju ne poznajemo…?



Stvarnost vjerojatno ostaje u tami...


Dr. Quieks


P.S.
Ove informacije su istinite i mogu se provjeriti.

Samo za Mirelu!

Ajde sad ponovi ovo

Golfer's wedding

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said:" What are your golf clubs doing here"?

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?

Happy Thanksgiving!

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?"

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.

Parkiranje

Psychic Reading

A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her hands float up above the table and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"

The woman, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"

"Yes, granddaughter. It's me."

"It's really, really you, grandmother?" the woman repeats.

"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."

The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"

"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."

The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."

"Anything, my child."

"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"

Grafiti

Bosanski grafiti

-Neću žvake, hoću svoj kusur! (na prodavnici u Prijedoru)

-Ratovanje za mir je isto što i tucanje za nevinost!

-Jebo učenje, uči jebanje! (na zgradi u Doboju)

-Žene pamet u glavu, a dole šta uleti! (Tuzla)

-Jedite govna, hiljadu muha ne može biti u zabludi! (Zenica)

-U alkoholu sigurno ima ženskih hormona, jer ja kad popijem ne znam voziti auto i počnem pričati gluposti .

-Ja nisam debela, ja sam žena i po! (na salonu za ulepšavanje u Sarajevu)



Beogradski grafiti

-Budi uz mene kad odem od tebe.

-Za lepršav hod i sjaj u očima, koristite kozmetiku "HEINEKEN".

-Neko nam je stavio drogu u heroin! (grafit na Voždovcu)

-Sta to znači ziveti u iluziji? Kad posle 25 godina braka primetiš, da ti žena nije strastvena nego astmatičar.

-Vozim kao grom! Svaki dan udarim u drvo!

-Himeniziramo vagine! (na Karaburmi)

-Hiljadu ljudi - hiljadu ćudi, hiljadu žena - 2000 sisa! (u Borči)

-Afrika ne može da bude daleko. Kod nas u firmi radi jedan crnac i na posao dolazi biciklom.

-Ako ne možete da živite jedno bez drugog, venčajte se pa ćete moći.

-Sida, sida, e pa šta je, ako je sida nije rak!

-Naš vazduh ima jednu prednost - vidimo šta udišemo!

-Proleće u Beogradu - ujutru se čuju ptice kako kašlju.

-Mene novac i slava ne zanimaju. Samo novac!

-Danas sam imao užasan dan: ukrali su mi auto, obili su mi stan, jedino pozitivno je HIV-test.

-Izgubio sam veru u sebe, veru u ljubav, veru u svet, jedinu nadu sam našao u igli, sad heklam i super mi je!

-Pas je čovekov najbolji prijatelj. Žena zauzima izvanredno drugo mesto.

-Svako "Zašto" ima svoje "bem li ga"!

-Nikad te neću zaboraviti, samo idi!

Mudre izreke

Žena je raj za oči, pakao za dušu i čistilište za džep.


I POŠTENOG čovjeka možete potkupiti,
samo morate POŠTENO i platiti.


Imati odjeljak za pušenje u restoranu isto je kao imati odjeljak za mokrenje u bazenu.


Koje su tri najtanje knjige na svijetu?
Somalijski kuhar, Bosanski mudraci, Crnogorski uradi sam.


Ako žene misle da put do muškoga srca ide kroz želudac, ciljaju previsoko.


Zašto se jezici zovu 'materinji'? Zato jer očevi rijetko dolaze do riječi!


Kako se latinski kaže impotencija? VIDI, MENI, VISI


Što je peh?
Ideš žedan pustinjom, a imaš vodu u koljenu.


Zašto krava pase travu? Jer nema ruku da smota...


Matičar je sudac koji osuđuje na doživotnu.


Teorija relativnosti: jedna dlaka u juhi je relativno puno, a na glavi relativno malo..


Infarkt ma kakav da je, od srca je!


Najlakši način da ti ime dospije u novine je da ih čitaš dok prelaziš ulicu.


Tko umre na jesen za njega nema zime.


Žene imaju problem za svako rješenje!


Kako razlikovati oralni od rektalnog toplomjera? Pa po okusu...


Od svih plodova mora,najviše volim kad odojak padne u more!


Stara kineska:
- Pas koji laje, nije dovoljno kuhan!


Život je bolest koja se prenosi seksom.

RJEČNIK STRANIH RIJEČI

aerobik - bik koji leti

aloja - kreten koji sam sebe zove na telefon

barakuda - izgubljena Zagorka

Bermuda - medvjeđa jaja

bezbolan - zabranjeno govoriti bosanskim naglaskom

bosti - imenovanje šefa

Bremen - Srbin

Burundi - žedni Zagorac

čizmica- mala mačka koja jede sir

donacija - sjediti u društvu nacista

fukara - seksualno ugrožena papiga

gorila - Los Angeles u plamenu

herpes - gospodin pas

Kabul - Dalmatinac koji sliči na bika

kajdanke - Zagorac koji ne razumije njemački

karanfil - ljubitelj Gorana Karana

katran - mačka u bijegu

kreten- skupina od deset žaba

licemjeri - estetski kirurzi

Meksiko - reći nekome da je mekušac

Nagasaki - egzhibicionistica po imenu Saki

nebuloze - razočarani Zagorac

nemati - otac

obala - la i la

pesimističan - tajanstveni zagorski pas

petak - ak ak ak ak ak

pigment- svinja s okusom mentola

poniženi - darovati supruzi malog konja

Pusić - "mačkica"

repatica - ptica koja pjeva Eminema

romantičar - pripadnik romskog naroda koji proučava antiku

rotkva - crvena patka

Somalija - tisuću lisica

transparent - tvrtka za prijevoz roditelja

trijumf - tri djevice

ustanova - plastična operacija usana

Woodpecker joke

A Florida woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Florida woodpecker said that they had a Live Oak that no woodpecker could peck. The California woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Florida woodpecker was in awe. The California woodpecker then challenged the Florida woodpecker to peck a Redwood tree in California that was absolutely unpeckable. The Florida woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. After flying all the way to California, the Florida woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem. The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the California woodpecker was able to peck the Florida tree and the Florida woodpecker was able to peck the California tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in his own state? After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

Sciencetific results

We've all caught someone at sometime picking their nose. Some try to do it in secret. Others do it openly without embarrassment. Maybe even you have been caught in the act. nose-picking is one disgusting habit and is certainly not socially acceptable. So, are these people normal? One would guess that this is not the type of thing researched at our institutions of higher learning. Guess again. The Americans did.

Of course, scientists must give everyday things complicated scientific names. Nose picking is a term for us common folk. nose-picking should really be referred to as rhinotillexomania (rhino=nose, tillexis=habit of picking at something, mania=obsession with something). So, the next time that you see a person picking their nose, tell them that they are a rhinotillexomaniac.

The researchers prepared their "rhinotillexomania Questionnaire" and randomly mailed it to 1000 residents in Dane County, Wisconsin. Each survey included a cover letter that stated, "The University of Wisconsin is conducting a survey of a common but understudied habit scientifically known as 'rhinotillexomania'. Its common name is nose-picking." Even better, the letter actually defined what nose-picking is: "Insertion of a finger (or other object) into the nose with the intention of removing dried nasal secretions." I'll bet that you already knew that. Can you imagine getting this survey in the mail? Even with the University's seal on the stationary, one would have to wonder whether this was a joke or not.

Now for the results (assuming that they are reliable): Of the 1000 surveys mailed out, only 254 were completed and returned to the researchers:

8.7% claim that they have never picked their nose. (In other words, they are liars or they can't remember doing it as a kid.)
91% stated that they had picked their nose in the past and were still actively practicing this habit. Yet, only 49.2% of the respondents actually thought that nose-picking was common in adults.
9.2% rate their pickin' as "more than average."
25.6% actually pick their noses daily, 22.3% do it 2 to 5 times each day, and three people admitted to doing it at least hourly.
55.5% spent 1-5 minutes, 23.5% spent 5-15 minutes, and 0.8% (2 people) spent 15-30 minutes each day cleaning their nostrils. One lone soul claims to devote over 2 hours each day to this ritual (I'm not a doctor and I can tell you that this guy definitely has rhinotillexomania).
18% reported nosebleeds, while 0.8% claimed perforation of the nasal septum from their nose-picking.
65.1% use their index finger, 20.2% use their pinky, and 16.4% use their thumb (must have BIG nostrils to fit a thumb in) as their instrument of choice.
Most people (90.3%) disposed of the goop in a tissue or a handkerchief, while 28.6% used the floor, and 7.6% stuck it to the furniture.
8% of the respondents actually ate the end product. In case you are thinking of trying this delicacy, the study claims that the pickings are quite tasty (salty).
So, what have we learned from this groundbreaking study? Basically, boogers apparently taste good, although I can guarantee to you that I will never do the taste testing to find out.

And we are wondering why there is no cure for Cancer yet!

Diplomacija

Motivational message

 

Sportsman's Double

I had an interesting experience recently involving an "older" woman I met at a bar.

She looked pretty darn HOT for 57. She was drinking quite a bit, and while we were chatting, she came right out and asked me if I'd ever had a "sportsman's double" - a mother and daughter threesome !!

I said no, but she might be able to talk me into it.

So she slams back one last drink, wipes her mouth, and looking directly into my eyes, she tells me, "Tonight's your lucky night."

So we go back to her place, she clicks on the hall light right as we enter, and she shouts upstairs, "Mom! You still awake?

Definitions not in the dictionary

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.(:))))))

CANNIBAL:Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

and MY Personal Favorite!! .............................

WRINKLES: Something other people have. I have character lines!

Ljubav prema djeci 2

 

Ljubav prema djeci

 

Obiteljska Fotografija

 

Bathroom Break

Bathroom Break - The most amazing home videos are here

Samo u Srbiju , bre...