Samo u Srbiju , bre...

HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER

Brian Hester invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the
meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's
roommate, Stephanie, was. Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a
relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more
curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Mrs.
Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than
met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mom:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house,
I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle.
But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for
dinner.
Love,
Brian



Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie,
I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie.
But the fact remains that if Stephanie was sleeping in her own bed, she
would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love,
Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY... NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!

Gdje je bomba?

Scena: Kajmakčalan. Bitka: blato, krv, kiša, vjetar, glad...

Jedna četa srpske vojske zauzela neku isturenu čuku. Stiglo naređenje da se čuka sačuva po svaku cijenu. Ali, Švabo navalio, okružio čuku sa tri strane, a
nestalo municije i provijanta, nije bilo načina da se opstane više tako.
Kapetan odlučio da četa napravi proboj kroz usko grlo koje Švabo još nije zauzeo, da se dočepa municije, pa da se nekako vrate i zadrže čuku do daljnjeg.
Ali, neko mora ostati...
- Cigo!
- Izvoli, gos'n kapetane!
- Ja sa četom idem po municiju i hranu, a tvoj zadatak je da sačuvaš čuku kako znaš i umiješ. Evo ti šljem i tri bombe, nema više, pa gledaj šta ćeš.
- JOJ, GOS'N KAPETANE, KAKO ĆU JA...
- Tišina! To je sve što je ostalo, evo tri bombe, evo ti šljem...
- Aj' pa gos'n kapetane, ako je već tako, bolje da mi ostaviš jednu bombu i tri šljema!
- Jes' ti poludio, Cigo? Šta ti pada na pamet?!!
- Il' tako il' nikako!
- ...Pa dobro, budalo jedna, evo ti, pa se snađi.
I krene četa u proboj kroz koridor švapske vatre....
...
Tri dana kasnije, vraća se ostatak čete na čuku. Kad, imaju šta za vidjeti: na jednoj strani gomila oružja, nabacana na hrpu. Pored, hrpa njemačkih uniformi i čizama. Na drugoj strani, gomila švapskih vojnika cvokoće bosa i u gaćama. U sredini, sjedi Cigo, pred njim tri šljema:
- Ajmo, braćo Njemci, posljednji pokušaj: pod kojim šljemom je bomba?

Čepić

Otišla Fata doktoru i dobila čepiće. Došla kuĆi, otvorila kutiju i čudi se.
Ne djeluje joj ko obična tableta.
Pita Hasu:
"Kako se ovo pije?"
"Ne znam, nazovi doktora i pitaj!"
Nazove ona doktora:
"Dobar dan, doktore. Ja sam ona Što ste joj prepisali one čepiće, ali ne znam kako ću ih uzimat?"
"Čepići se generalno uzimaju rektalno!"
"Dobro, fala doktore."

Kaže Hasi:
"Kaže doktor - rektalno!"
"Pa uzmi tako!"
"Pa ne znam šta mu je to - rektalno!"
"Ne znam ni ja, što ne upita doktora?"
"Pitat ću..."
"Nazovi i pitaj, šta mene stalno zapitkuješ..."

"Dobar dan, doktore. Ja sam. Opet ona što ste joj prepisali one čepiće. Samo opet ne znam kako ću to .... rektalno."
"Pa analno, gospođo, analno!"
"Aaaaaaahaaaaa, analno. To je onda..."
"To vam je isto kao rektalno."
"E dobro, puno Vam 'fala, doktore."

Opet kaže Hasi:
"Analno!"
"Šta?"
"Ma isto ko i rektalno, samo analno..."
"Pa hajde!"
"Pa ne znam šta mu je to."
"Pa ne znam ni ja, ženska glavo, što ne upita doktora, dva put si s njim razgovarala? Nazovi opet i pitaj!"

Opet Fata nazove doktora:
"Doktore, oprostite što smetam, ali morala sam.... Šta vam je to rektalno, analno? Šta točno da radim?"
"Ja, žene mahnite! Uzmi taj čepić jebeni i zabi ga sebi u šupak!"

Fata zalupi slušalicu i izvika se na Hasu:
"Eto ti tvoje ZOVI! ZOVI! ZOVI! Sad se čovjek naljutio!"

...3

 

Prašina na staklu

 

Prašnjavo staklo na autu

 

Spaghetti

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back.
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without. Send extra sauce.

Phrases that are only used when they are untrue

"I'm not racist, but ..."

"I'm sure I ..."

"I don't want to contradict you..."

"With all due respect"

"Far be it from me ... "

"It goes without saying..."

"... not to mention ..."

"No offense"

"Oh no, I couldn't possibly"

"Oh go on then - just one."

"I won't make this a long speech."

"Nothing, darling."

"Serves 4"

"I'm no prude, but ..."

"I wasn't asleep, you know."

"Family planning"

"Near miss" (used to describe a near hit)

"Network upgrade"

"Care in the community"

"Back in 5 min"

"I'll just put you on hold for a moment."

"Congratulations! You have been specially chosen/selected ..."

Music store

 

Mujo kod doktora

Kaže doktor Muji:

'Moram vam reći, teško ste bolesni,
živjet ćete još godinu dana...'

A Mujo će: 'A od čega, matere ti?'