srijeda, prosinca 27, 2006

Good advice for blizzard

One day in the downtown, it was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when Lena got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.
She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She remembered a friend's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard, she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made Lena feel much better and sure enough in a little while, a snow plow went by, and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow, she was feeling very smug as they continued, and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.
After quite sometime had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right, as she had been following him for a long time.
She said that she was fine and told him of the advice she'd received to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.
The driver replied that it was OK with him, and she could continue if she wanted...but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Zellers next.

ponedjeljak, prosinca 25, 2006

...7

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.... 6

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...5

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... 4

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... 3

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Scary Santa 2

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Scary Santa 1

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GOLF ON CHRISTMAS MORNING


Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed, and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning." Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.

The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

The second guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

The third guy says, "Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well honey, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for sex or golf,' and she said, 'Don't gorget to take a sweater.'"

nedjelja, prosinca 24, 2006

petak, prosinca 22, 2006

FWD

Man comes home , finds his wife with his friend in
bed . He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL
your friends"

****************************************
A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother"
Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"

****************************************
What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress

***********************************
Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??
Without Information Fighting Everytime
Wife replies," No, It means ,
With Idiot For Ever !!!"

**************************************
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,
and Panic is when both are pregnant.

**************************************
Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one,
my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver
ran away.

**************************************
A women asks man who is traveling with six children,
"Are all these kids yours??"
The man replies, " No, I work in a condom factory
and these are customer complaints".

*************************************
A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference
between confident and confidential.
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential!"


Etiketa

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petak, prosinca 08, 2006

ADMINISTRACIJA

Nakon puno godina opet Bog pogleda zemlju. Ljudi su postali pokvareni i nasilni. Zbog toga Bog zakljuci da ih unisti kao sto je to vec jednom, prije puno godina ucinio opcim potopom.



I rece Bog Noi: "Noa, sagradi jos jednom korablju iz cedrovine, kao i onda, 300 lakata dugu, 50 lakata siroku i 30 lakata visoku. Zelim na zemlju poslati drugi opci potop. Ljudi nista nisu naucili. A ti u korablju uzmi svoju zenu, tvoje sinove i njihove zene i od svake zivotinjske vrste po dvoje, musko i zensko. Za sest mjeseci poslati cu veliku kisu."



Noi to bas ne bi pravo, ta zar opet? Opet 40 dana kisa i 150 neugodnih dana na vodi zajedno sa svim zivotinjama i bez televizije. Ali Noa je bio poslusan i obeca da ce uciniti tako kako mu je Bog naredio.



Nakon sest mjeseci nadvise se tamni oblaci i poce kisiti. Noa je sjedio u svojem vrtu i plakao jer nije sagradio korablju.



"Noa", povika Bog, "Noa, gdje je korablja?"

Noa pogleda u nebo i rece: "Gospodine, budi mi milostiv!"

Bog ga opet upita: "Gdje je korablja, Noa??



Noa obrise suze i rece: "Gospodine, sto si mi ucinio? Najprije sam u opcini postavio zamolbu za gradjevinsku dozvolu. Oni su najprije mislili da zelim graditi nekakvu ekstravagandnu stalu za ovce. Nisu se snasli s nacrtom i oblikom projekta, a da bi to trebao biti brod nisu ni povjerovali. I tvoje mjere su izazvale pometnju, jer nitko nije znao koliko je dug lakat, pa je moj arhitekt morao napraviti novi nacrt. Zamolbu za gradjevinsku dozvolu su najprije odbili jer brodogradnja u naselju nije dopustena. Kad sam konacno nasao odgovarajuce mjesto iskrsnuli su drugi problemi.

Sad se, primjerice, sve vrti oko pitanja, treba li korablja vatrostalna vrata, uredjaj za gasenje pozara i vodospremnik za slucaj pozara. Ali kada sam im objasnio da ce vode biti i previse, puno vise nego je potrebno za gasenje pozara, odveli su me sluzbenom psihijatru.

Nakon toga mi je zupanijska uprava telefonom javila da mogu sagraditi brod, ali da je moja stvar kako cu ga transportirati do najblize vode. S njihovom pomoci ne mogu racunati, jer je zupan smijenjen. A onda me nazove jedan drugi drzavni sluzbenik iz iste zupanijske uprave koji mi je objasnio da je njihova uprava jako orijentirana na stranke, da im zeli ugoditi i upozorio me da kod EU u Briselu mogu zatraziti poticajna sredstva za brodogradiliste. Zamolbu sam morao uloziti u osam primjeraka i na tri sluzbena jezika EU.

Prestao sam traziti cedrovinu. Libanonska se cedrovina vise ne smije uvoziti. Kad sam onda u sumi htio kupiti drvo receno mi je da je zabranjeno rusenje, jer tako propisuje zakon. Navodno to skodi klimi. Osim toga bi morao dokazati da sam posadio toliko stabala koliko bih porusio. Kad sam im rekao da uskoro uopce vise nece biti nikakve prirode i da je besmisleno saditi nove biljke i drvece, posjetio me je po drugi puta sluzbeni psihijatar.

Tesari, koje sam angazirao za gradnju, su mi onda rekli, da ce se oni sami pobrinuti za drvo. Ali oni su najprije izabrali radnicki savjet, koji je najprije sa mnom htio napraviti tarifni ugovor. Ali kako se nismo slozili oni su stupili u strajk. Boze, znas li ti uopce koliko danas majstori traze za svoj rad? Cime cu ja to sve platiti?

Kako je prolazilo vrijeme ja sam poceo skupljati zivotinje. U pocetku je to dobro islo, bar su dva mrava jos ziva. Ali kad sam htio uvjeriti dva tigra i dvije ovce, da zbog visih interesa moraju jedno vrijeme zivjeti u miru, javilo se drustvo za zastitu zivotinja i izjasnilo se protiv ovakvog drzanja zivotinja.

Boze, da li je tebi uopce jasno, da trebam dozvolu za transport zivotinja prema zakonima EU? Vec sam na 22. stranici formulara ali momentalno ne znam sto da navedem kao cilj transporta.

A da li si ti uopce znao da se primjerice rogate zivotinje ne smiju transportirati za vremena parenja? A ti znas da su jeleni skoro stalno u tom poslu. A i bik ne misli ni na sto drugo nego samo na parenje.

Nadam se da ti je jasno da za transport kunica moram voditi racuna o 43 kojekakva propisa. Moj odvjetnik upravo provjerava da li ti propisi vaze i za divlje zeceve.

Uostalom, ako bi mogao nekako srediti da brod plovi pod tudjom zastavom, a plovio bi samo Jadranom, onda bi to uveliko pojednostavnilo citav postupak dozvole. I ti mozes bar nesto uciniti za mene. Jedan od Greenpeaca mi je objasnio da mokracu, izmet i djubre iz staje ne smijem bacati u vodu. Kako si ti to sebi uopce zamislio? Prvi put je sve islo bez ikakvog problema!

Tako, Gospodine, ja vise ne mogu, sav sam vec ocajan! Ne bi li ipak bilo bolje da na brod uzmem i mog odvjetnika?"



I Noa opet poce plakati. Kisa prestade, nebo se razvedrilo, a sunce zasjalo. I na nebu se pokaze prekrasna duga. Noa pogleda pa se nasmijesi. "Gospodine, neces unistiti zemlju?"

Tada rece Bog:

"O tome vise ne razmisljam, jer to ce uciniti vasa drzavna uprava."

 

Nice bag 5

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Nice bag 4

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Nice bag 3

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Nice bag 2

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Nice bag

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