Psychic Reading

A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her hands float up above the table and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"

The woman, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"

"Yes, granddaughter. It's me."

"It's really, really you, grandmother?" the woman repeats.

"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."

The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"

"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."

The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."

"Anything, my child."

"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"

Grafiti

Bosanski grafiti

-Neću žvake, hoću svoj kusur! (na prodavnici u Prijedoru)

-Ratovanje za mir je isto što i tucanje za nevinost!

-Jebo učenje, uči jebanje! (na zgradi u Doboju)

-Žene pamet u glavu, a dole šta uleti! (Tuzla)

-Jedite govna, hiljadu muha ne može biti u zabludi! (Zenica)

-U alkoholu sigurno ima ženskih hormona, jer ja kad popijem ne znam voziti auto i počnem pričati gluposti .

-Ja nisam debela, ja sam žena i po! (na salonu za ulepšavanje u Sarajevu)



Beogradski grafiti

-Budi uz mene kad odem od tebe.

-Za lepršav hod i sjaj u očima, koristite kozmetiku "HEINEKEN".

-Neko nam je stavio drogu u heroin! (grafit na Voždovcu)

-Sta to znači ziveti u iluziji? Kad posle 25 godina braka primetiš, da ti žena nije strastvena nego astmatičar.

-Vozim kao grom! Svaki dan udarim u drvo!

-Himeniziramo vagine! (na Karaburmi)

-Hiljadu ljudi - hiljadu ćudi, hiljadu žena - 2000 sisa! (u Borči)

-Afrika ne može da bude daleko. Kod nas u firmi radi jedan crnac i na posao dolazi biciklom.

-Ako ne možete da živite jedno bez drugog, venčajte se pa ćete moći.

-Sida, sida, e pa šta je, ako je sida nije rak!

-Naš vazduh ima jednu prednost - vidimo šta udišemo!

-Proleće u Beogradu - ujutru se čuju ptice kako kašlju.

-Mene novac i slava ne zanimaju. Samo novac!

-Danas sam imao užasan dan: ukrali su mi auto, obili su mi stan, jedino pozitivno je HIV-test.

-Izgubio sam veru u sebe, veru u ljubav, veru u svet, jedinu nadu sam našao u igli, sad heklam i super mi je!

-Pas je čovekov najbolji prijatelj. Žena zauzima izvanredno drugo mesto.

-Svako "Zašto" ima svoje "bem li ga"!

-Nikad te neću zaboraviti, samo idi!

Mudre izreke

Žena je raj za oči, pakao za dušu i čistilište za džep.


I POŠTENOG čovjeka možete potkupiti,
samo morate POŠTENO i platiti.


Imati odjeljak za pušenje u restoranu isto je kao imati odjeljak za mokrenje u bazenu.


Koje su tri najtanje knjige na svijetu?
Somalijski kuhar, Bosanski mudraci, Crnogorski uradi sam.


Ako žene misle da put do muškoga srca ide kroz želudac, ciljaju previsoko.


Zašto se jezici zovu 'materinji'? Zato jer očevi rijetko dolaze do riječi!


Kako se latinski kaže impotencija? VIDI, MENI, VISI


Što je peh?
Ideš žedan pustinjom, a imaš vodu u koljenu.


Zašto krava pase travu? Jer nema ruku da smota...


Matičar je sudac koji osuđuje na doživotnu.


Teorija relativnosti: jedna dlaka u juhi je relativno puno, a na glavi relativno malo..


Infarkt ma kakav da je, od srca je!


Najlakši način da ti ime dospije u novine je da ih čitaš dok prelaziš ulicu.


Tko umre na jesen za njega nema zime.


Žene imaju problem za svako rješenje!


Kako razlikovati oralni od rektalnog toplomjera? Pa po okusu...


Od svih plodova mora,najviše volim kad odojak padne u more!


Stara kineska:
- Pas koji laje, nije dovoljno kuhan!


Život je bolest koja se prenosi seksom.

RJEČNIK STRANIH RIJEČI

aerobik - bik koji leti

aloja - kreten koji sam sebe zove na telefon

barakuda - izgubljena Zagorka

Bermuda - medvjeđa jaja

bezbolan - zabranjeno govoriti bosanskim naglaskom

bosti - imenovanje šefa

Bremen - Srbin

Burundi - žedni Zagorac

čizmica- mala mačka koja jede sir

donacija - sjediti u društvu nacista

fukara - seksualno ugrožena papiga

gorila - Los Angeles u plamenu

herpes - gospodin pas

Kabul - Dalmatinac koji sliči na bika

kajdanke - Zagorac koji ne razumije njemački

karanfil - ljubitelj Gorana Karana

katran - mačka u bijegu

kreten- skupina od deset žaba

licemjeri - estetski kirurzi

Meksiko - reći nekome da je mekušac

Nagasaki - egzhibicionistica po imenu Saki

nebuloze - razočarani Zagorac

nemati - otac

obala - la i la

pesimističan - tajanstveni zagorski pas

petak - ak ak ak ak ak

pigment- svinja s okusom mentola

poniženi - darovati supruzi malog konja

Pusić - "mačkica"

repatica - ptica koja pjeva Eminema

romantičar - pripadnik romskog naroda koji proučava antiku

rotkva - crvena patka

Somalija - tisuću lisica

transparent - tvrtka za prijevoz roditelja

trijumf - tri djevice

ustanova - plastična operacija usana

Woodpecker joke

A Florida woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Florida woodpecker said that they had a Live Oak that no woodpecker could peck. The California woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Florida woodpecker was in awe. The California woodpecker then challenged the Florida woodpecker to peck a Redwood tree in California that was absolutely unpeckable. The Florida woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. After flying all the way to California, the Florida woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem. The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the California woodpecker was able to peck the Florida tree and the Florida woodpecker was able to peck the California tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in his own state? After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

Sciencetific results

We've all caught someone at sometime picking their nose. Some try to do it in secret. Others do it openly without embarrassment. Maybe even you have been caught in the act. nose-picking is one disgusting habit and is certainly not socially acceptable. So, are these people normal? One would guess that this is not the type of thing researched at our institutions of higher learning. Guess again. The Americans did.

Of course, scientists must give everyday things complicated scientific names. Nose picking is a term for us common folk. nose-picking should really be referred to as rhinotillexomania (rhino=nose, tillexis=habit of picking at something, mania=obsession with something). So, the next time that you see a person picking their nose, tell them that they are a rhinotillexomaniac.

The researchers prepared their "rhinotillexomania Questionnaire" and randomly mailed it to 1000 residents in Dane County, Wisconsin. Each survey included a cover letter that stated, "The University of Wisconsin is conducting a survey of a common but understudied habit scientifically known as 'rhinotillexomania'. Its common name is nose-picking." Even better, the letter actually defined what nose-picking is: "Insertion of a finger (or other object) into the nose with the intention of removing dried nasal secretions." I'll bet that you already knew that. Can you imagine getting this survey in the mail? Even with the University's seal on the stationary, one would have to wonder whether this was a joke or not.

Now for the results (assuming that they are reliable): Of the 1000 surveys mailed out, only 254 were completed and returned to the researchers:

8.7% claim that they have never picked their nose. (In other words, they are liars or they can't remember doing it as a kid.)
91% stated that they had picked their nose in the past and were still actively practicing this habit. Yet, only 49.2% of the respondents actually thought that nose-picking was common in adults.
9.2% rate their pickin' as "more than average."
25.6% actually pick their noses daily, 22.3% do it 2 to 5 times each day, and three people admitted to doing it at least hourly.
55.5% spent 1-5 minutes, 23.5% spent 5-15 minutes, and 0.8% (2 people) spent 15-30 minutes each day cleaning their nostrils. One lone soul claims to devote over 2 hours each day to this ritual (I'm not a doctor and I can tell you that this guy definitely has rhinotillexomania).
18% reported nosebleeds, while 0.8% claimed perforation of the nasal septum from their nose-picking.
65.1% use their index finger, 20.2% use their pinky, and 16.4% use their thumb (must have BIG nostrils to fit a thumb in) as their instrument of choice.
Most people (90.3%) disposed of the goop in a tissue or a handkerchief, while 28.6% used the floor, and 7.6% stuck it to the furniture.
8% of the respondents actually ate the end product. In case you are thinking of trying this delicacy, the study claims that the pickings are quite tasty (salty).
So, what have we learned from this groundbreaking study? Basically, boogers apparently taste good, although I can guarantee to you that I will never do the taste testing to find out.

And we are wondering why there is no cure for Cancer yet!

Diplomacija

Motivational message

 

Sportsman's Double

I had an interesting experience recently involving an "older" woman I met at a bar.

She looked pretty darn HOT for 57. She was drinking quite a bit, and while we were chatting, she came right out and asked me if I'd ever had a "sportsman's double" - a mother and daughter threesome !!

I said no, but she might be able to talk me into it.

So she slams back one last drink, wipes her mouth, and looking directly into my eyes, she tells me, "Tonight's your lucky night."

So we go back to her place, she clicks on the hall light right as we enter, and she shouts upstairs, "Mom! You still awake?

Definitions not in the dictionary

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.(:))))))

CANNIBAL:Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

and MY Personal Favorite!! .............................

WRINKLES: Something other people have. I have character lines!

Ljubav prema djeci 2

 

Ljubav prema djeci

 

Obiteljska Fotografija

 

Bathroom Break

Bathroom Break - The most amazing home videos are here

Samo u Srbiju , bre...

HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER

Brian Hester invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the
meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's
roommate, Stephanie, was. Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a
relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more
curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Mrs.
Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than
met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mom:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house,
I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle.
But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for
dinner.
Love,
Brian



Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie,
I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie.
But the fact remains that if Stephanie was sleeping in her own bed, she
would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love,
Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY... NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!

Gdje je bomba?

Scena: Kajmakčalan. Bitka: blato, krv, kiša, vjetar, glad...

Jedna četa srpske vojske zauzela neku isturenu čuku. Stiglo naređenje da se čuka sačuva po svaku cijenu. Ali, Švabo navalio, okružio čuku sa tri strane, a
nestalo municije i provijanta, nije bilo načina da se opstane više tako.
Kapetan odlučio da četa napravi proboj kroz usko grlo koje Švabo još nije zauzeo, da se dočepa municije, pa da se nekako vrate i zadrže čuku do daljnjeg.
Ali, neko mora ostati...
- Cigo!
- Izvoli, gos'n kapetane!
- Ja sa četom idem po municiju i hranu, a tvoj zadatak je da sačuvaš čuku kako znaš i umiješ. Evo ti šljem i tri bombe, nema više, pa gledaj šta ćeš.
- JOJ, GOS'N KAPETANE, KAKO ĆU JA...
- Tišina! To je sve što je ostalo, evo tri bombe, evo ti šljem...
- Aj' pa gos'n kapetane, ako je već tako, bolje da mi ostaviš jednu bombu i tri šljema!
- Jes' ti poludio, Cigo? Šta ti pada na pamet?!!
- Il' tako il' nikako!
- ...Pa dobro, budalo jedna, evo ti, pa se snađi.
I krene četa u proboj kroz koridor švapske vatre....
...
Tri dana kasnije, vraća se ostatak čete na čuku. Kad, imaju šta za vidjeti: na jednoj strani gomila oružja, nabacana na hrpu. Pored, hrpa njemačkih uniformi i čizama. Na drugoj strani, gomila švapskih vojnika cvokoće bosa i u gaćama. U sredini, sjedi Cigo, pred njim tri šljema:
- Ajmo, braćo Njemci, posljednji pokušaj: pod kojim šljemom je bomba?

Čepić

Otišla Fata doktoru i dobila čepiće. Došla kuĆi, otvorila kutiju i čudi se.
Ne djeluje joj ko obična tableta.
Pita Hasu:
"Kako se ovo pije?"
"Ne znam, nazovi doktora i pitaj!"
Nazove ona doktora:
"Dobar dan, doktore. Ja sam ona Što ste joj prepisali one čepiće, ali ne znam kako ću ih uzimat?"
"Čepići se generalno uzimaju rektalno!"
"Dobro, fala doktore."

Kaže Hasi:
"Kaže doktor - rektalno!"
"Pa uzmi tako!"
"Pa ne znam šta mu je to - rektalno!"
"Ne znam ni ja, što ne upita doktora?"
"Pitat ću..."
"Nazovi i pitaj, šta mene stalno zapitkuješ..."

"Dobar dan, doktore. Ja sam. Opet ona što ste joj prepisali one čepiće. Samo opet ne znam kako ću to .... rektalno."
"Pa analno, gospođo, analno!"
"Aaaaaaahaaaaa, analno. To je onda..."
"To vam je isto kao rektalno."
"E dobro, puno Vam 'fala, doktore."

Opet kaže Hasi:
"Analno!"
"Šta?"
"Ma isto ko i rektalno, samo analno..."
"Pa hajde!"
"Pa ne znam šta mu je to."
"Pa ne znam ni ja, ženska glavo, što ne upita doktora, dva put si s njim razgovarala? Nazovi opet i pitaj!"

Opet Fata nazove doktora:
"Doktore, oprostite što smetam, ali morala sam.... Šta vam je to rektalno, analno? Šta točno da radim?"
"Ja, žene mahnite! Uzmi taj čepić jebeni i zabi ga sebi u šupak!"

Fata zalupi slušalicu i izvika se na Hasu:
"Eto ti tvoje ZOVI! ZOVI! ZOVI! Sad se čovjek naljutio!"

...3

 

Prašina na staklu

 

Prašnjavo staklo na autu

 

Spaghetti

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back.
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without. Send extra sauce.

Phrases that are only used when they are untrue

"I'm not racist, but ..."

"I'm sure I ..."

"I don't want to contradict you..."

"With all due respect"

"Far be it from me ... "

"It goes without saying..."

"... not to mention ..."

"No offense"

"Oh no, I couldn't possibly"

"Oh go on then - just one."

"I won't make this a long speech."

"Nothing, darling."

"Serves 4"

"I'm no prude, but ..."

"I wasn't asleep, you know."

"Family planning"

"Near miss" (used to describe a near hit)

"Network upgrade"

"Care in the community"

"Back in 5 min"

"I'll just put you on hold for a moment."

"Congratulations! You have been specially chosen/selected ..."

Music store

 

Mujo kod doktora

Kaže doktor Muji:

'Moram vam reći, teško ste bolesni,
živjet ćete još godinu dana...'

A Mujo će: 'A od čega, matere ti?'

Fata i računalo

Zaposli se Fata, dobije svoje računalo, radi svakodnevno na njemu, sve ide super.
Međutim, jedan dan se razboli i ne dođe na posao, a njenim kolegama treba nešto s njenog računala, ali ne znaju lozinku (password).

Zovu oni Fatu: - "Fato, koja ti je lozinka na računalu?"
Kaže Fata: - "Velkom".
Probaju oni: 'WELLCOME' - neće.
Probaju 'VELKOM' - neće. 'VELLCOME', 'WELCOME' - ništa neće.

Zovu oni Fatu ponovo: "Fato, kaži nam koliko slova ima ova tvoja zaporka?"
- "Pa jedno", kaže Fata.
- "Pa kako jedno, pobogu?!", pitaju kolege opet. -

"Pa vel'ko M!"

Kolumbovo putovanje u Indiju

Chavez kod Castra ( Večernja škola )

Game over

 

Police pics 4