srijeda, kolovoza 29, 2007
HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER
Brian Hester invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the
meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's
roommate, Stephanie, was. Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a
relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more
curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Mrs.
Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than
met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mom:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house,
I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle.
But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for
dinner.
Love,
Brian
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie,
I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie.
But the fact remains that if Stephanie was sleeping in her own bed, she
would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love,
Mom
LESSON OF THE DAY... NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!
meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's
roommate, Stephanie, was. Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a
relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more
curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Mrs.
Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than
met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mom:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house,
I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle.
But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for
dinner.
Love,
Brian
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie,
I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie.
But the fact remains that if Stephanie was sleeping in her own bed, she
would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love,
Mom
LESSON OF THE DAY... NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!
utorak, kolovoza 21, 2007
Gdje je bomba?
Scena: Kajmakčalan. Bitka: blato, krv, kiša, vjetar, glad...
Jedna četa srpske vojske zauzela neku isturenu čuku. Stiglo naređenje da se čuka sačuva po svaku cijenu. Ali, Švabo navalio, okružio čuku sa tri strane, a
nestalo municije i provijanta, nije bilo načina da se opstane više tako.
Kapetan odlučio da četa napravi proboj kroz usko grlo koje Švabo još nije zauzeo, da se dočepa municije, pa da se nekako vrate i zadrže čuku do daljnjeg.
Ali, neko mora ostati...
- Cigo!
- Izvoli, gos'n kapetane!
- Ja sa četom idem po municiju i hranu, a tvoj zadatak je da sačuvaš čuku kako znaš i umiješ. Evo ti šljem i tri bombe, nema više, pa gledaj šta ćeš.
- JOJ, GOS'N KAPETANE, KAKO ĆU JA...
- Tišina! To je sve što je ostalo, evo tri bombe, evo ti šljem...
- Aj' pa gos'n kapetane, ako je već tako, bolje da mi ostaviš jednu bombu i tri šljema!
- Jes' ti poludio, Cigo? Šta ti pada na pamet?!!
- Il' tako il' nikako!
- ...Pa dobro, budalo jedna, evo ti, pa se snađi.
I krene četa u proboj kroz koridor švapske vatre....
...
Tri dana kasnije, vraća se ostatak čete na čuku. Kad, imaju šta za vidjeti: na jednoj strani gomila oružja, nabacana na hrpu. Pored, hrpa njemačkih uniformi i čizama. Na drugoj strani, gomila švapskih vojnika cvokoće bosa i u gaćama. U sredini, sjedi Cigo, pred njim tri šljema:
- Ajmo, braćo Njemci, posljednji pokušaj: pod kojim šljemom je bomba?
Jedna četa srpske vojske zauzela neku isturenu čuku. Stiglo naređenje da se čuka sačuva po svaku cijenu. Ali, Švabo navalio, okružio čuku sa tri strane, a
nestalo municije i provijanta, nije bilo načina da se opstane više tako.
Kapetan odlučio da četa napravi proboj kroz usko grlo koje Švabo još nije zauzeo, da se dočepa municije, pa da se nekako vrate i zadrže čuku do daljnjeg.
Ali, neko mora ostati...
- Cigo!
- Izvoli, gos'n kapetane!
- Ja sa četom idem po municiju i hranu, a tvoj zadatak je da sačuvaš čuku kako znaš i umiješ. Evo ti šljem i tri bombe, nema više, pa gledaj šta ćeš.
- JOJ, GOS'N KAPETANE, KAKO ĆU JA...
- Tišina! To je sve što je ostalo, evo tri bombe, evo ti šljem...
- Aj' pa gos'n kapetane, ako je već tako, bolje da mi ostaviš jednu bombu i tri šljema!
- Jes' ti poludio, Cigo? Šta ti pada na pamet?!!
- Il' tako il' nikako!
- ...Pa dobro, budalo jedna, evo ti, pa se snađi.
I krene četa u proboj kroz koridor švapske vatre....
...
Tri dana kasnije, vraća se ostatak čete na čuku. Kad, imaju šta za vidjeti: na jednoj strani gomila oružja, nabacana na hrpu. Pored, hrpa njemačkih uniformi i čizama. Na drugoj strani, gomila švapskih vojnika cvokoće bosa i u gaćama. U sredini, sjedi Cigo, pred njim tri šljema:
- Ajmo, braćo Njemci, posljednji pokušaj: pod kojim šljemom je bomba?
Čepić
Otišla Fata doktoru i dobila čepiće. Došla kuĆi, otvorila kutiju i čudi se.
Ne djeluje joj ko obična tableta.
Pita Hasu:
"Kako se ovo pije?"
"Ne znam, nazovi doktora i pitaj!"
Nazove ona doktora:
"Dobar dan, doktore. Ja sam ona Što ste joj prepisali one čepiće, ali ne znam kako ću ih uzimat?"
"Čepići se generalno uzimaju rektalno!"
"Dobro, fala doktore."
Kaže Hasi:
"Kaže doktor - rektalno!"
"Pa uzmi tako!"
"Pa ne znam šta mu je to - rektalno!"
"Ne znam ni ja, što ne upita doktora?"
"Pitat ću..."
"Nazovi i pitaj, šta mene stalno zapitkuješ..."
"Dobar dan, doktore. Ja sam. Opet ona što ste joj prepisali one čepiće. Samo opet ne znam kako ću to .... rektalno."
"Pa analno, gospođo, analno!"
"Aaaaaaahaaaaa, analno. To je onda..."
"To vam je isto kao rektalno."
"E dobro, puno Vam 'fala, doktore."
Opet kaže Hasi:
"Analno!"
"Šta?"
"Ma isto ko i rektalno, samo analno..."
"Pa hajde!"
"Pa ne znam šta mu je to."
"Pa ne znam ni ja, ženska glavo, što ne upita doktora, dva put si s njim razgovarala? Nazovi opet i pitaj!"
Opet Fata nazove doktora:
"Doktore, oprostite što smetam, ali morala sam.... Šta vam je to rektalno, analno? Šta točno da radim?"
"Ja, žene mahnite! Uzmi taj čepić jebeni i zabi ga sebi u šupak!"
Fata zalupi slušalicu i izvika se na Hasu:
"Eto ti tvoje ZOVI! ZOVI! ZOVI! Sad se čovjek naljutio!"
Ne djeluje joj ko obična tableta.
Pita Hasu:
"Kako se ovo pije?"
"Ne znam, nazovi doktora i pitaj!"
Nazove ona doktora:
"Dobar dan, doktore. Ja sam ona Što ste joj prepisali one čepiće, ali ne znam kako ću ih uzimat?"
"Čepići se generalno uzimaju rektalno!"
"Dobro, fala doktore."
Kaže Hasi:
"Kaže doktor - rektalno!"
"Pa uzmi tako!"
"Pa ne znam šta mu je to - rektalno!"
"Ne znam ni ja, što ne upita doktora?"
"Pitat ću..."
"Nazovi i pitaj, šta mene stalno zapitkuješ..."
"Dobar dan, doktore. Ja sam. Opet ona što ste joj prepisali one čepiće. Samo opet ne znam kako ću to .... rektalno."
"Pa analno, gospođo, analno!"
"Aaaaaaahaaaaa, analno. To je onda..."
"To vam je isto kao rektalno."
"E dobro, puno Vam 'fala, doktore."
Opet kaže Hasi:
"Analno!"
"Šta?"
"Ma isto ko i rektalno, samo analno..."
"Pa hajde!"
"Pa ne znam šta mu je to."
"Pa ne znam ni ja, ženska glavo, što ne upita doktora, dva put si s njim razgovarala? Nazovi opet i pitaj!"
Opet Fata nazove doktora:
"Doktore, oprostite što smetam, ali morala sam.... Šta vam je to rektalno, analno? Šta točno da radim?"
"Ja, žene mahnite! Uzmi taj čepić jebeni i zabi ga sebi u šupak!"
Fata zalupi slušalicu i izvika se na Hasu:
"Eto ti tvoje ZOVI! ZOVI! ZOVI! Sad se čovjek naljutio!"
srijeda, kolovoza 15, 2007
Spaghetti
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back.
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without. Send extra sauce.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back.
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without. Send extra sauce.
Phrases that are only used when they are untrue
"I'm not racist, but ..."
"I'm sure I ..."
"I don't want to contradict you..."
"With all due respect"
"Far be it from me ... "
"It goes without saying..."
"... not to mention ..."
"No offense"
"Oh no, I couldn't possibly"
"Oh go on then - just one."
"I won't make this a long speech."
"Nothing, darling."
"Serves 4"
"I'm no prude, but ..."
"I wasn't asleep, you know."
"Family planning"
"Near miss" (used to describe a near hit)
"Network upgrade"
"Care in the community"
"Back in 5 min"
"I'll just put you on hold for a moment."
"Congratulations! You have been specially chosen/selected ..."
"I'm sure I ..."
"I don't want to contradict you..."
"With all due respect"
"Far be it from me ... "
"It goes without saying..."
"... not to mention ..."
"No offense"
"Oh no, I couldn't possibly"
"Oh go on then - just one."
"I won't make this a long speech."
"Nothing, darling."
"Serves 4"
"I'm no prude, but ..."
"I wasn't asleep, you know."
"Family planning"
"Near miss" (used to describe a near hit)
"Network upgrade"
"Care in the community"
"Back in 5 min"
"I'll just put you on hold for a moment."
"Congratulations! You have been specially chosen/selected ..."
nedjelja, kolovoza 05, 2007
Mujo kod doktora
Kaže doktor Muji:
'Moram vam reći, teško ste bolesni,
živjet ćete još godinu dana...'
A Mujo će: 'A od čega, matere ti?'
'Moram vam reći, teško ste bolesni,
živjet ćete još godinu dana...'
A Mujo će: 'A od čega, matere ti?'
subota, srpnja 14, 2007
Fata i računalo
Zaposli se Fata, dobije svoje računalo, radi svakodnevno na njemu, sve ide super.
Međutim, jedan dan se razboli i ne dođe na posao, a njenim kolegama treba nešto s njenog računala, ali ne znaju lozinku (password).
Zovu oni Fatu: - "Fato, koja ti je lozinka na računalu?"
Kaže Fata: - "Velkom".
Probaju oni: 'WELLCOME' - neće.
Probaju 'VELKOM' - neće. 'VELLCOME', 'WELCOME' - ništa neće.
Zovu oni Fatu ponovo: "Fato, kaži nam koliko slova ima ova tvoja zaporka?"
- "Pa jedno", kaže Fata.
- "Pa kako jedno, pobogu?!", pitaju kolege opet. -
"Pa vel'ko M!"
Međutim, jedan dan se razboli i ne dođe na posao, a njenim kolegama treba nešto s njenog računala, ali ne znaju lozinku (password).
Zovu oni Fatu: - "Fato, koja ti je lozinka na računalu?"
Kaže Fata: - "Velkom".
Probaju oni: 'WELLCOME' - neće.
Probaju 'VELKOM' - neće. 'VELLCOME', 'WELCOME' - ništa neće.
Zovu oni Fatu ponovo: "Fato, kaži nam koliko slova ima ova tvoja zaporka?"
- "Pa jedno", kaže Fata.
- "Pa kako jedno, pobogu?!", pitaju kolege opet. -
"Pa vel'ko M!"
utorak, srpnja 10, 2007
petak, lipnja 22, 2007
srijeda, lipnja 20, 2007
Parental Myths That No Parent Will Tell You About
Here are a few items that every pre-parent or misguided parent should know. Sorry Mom and Dad.
Parents love their children equally
Bottom line, one kid is always going to be better than the others for some unknown, visceral reason. Either because they were the first or have more personality or they are smarter than the others. Parents also like the child that physically resembles them. I’m not saying it is a whole lot of difference in the amount of love, but that deep in the back of their minds, parents all ready have their “Sophie’s Choice” made up. If you are an only child, congrats. If you are adopted, you are screwed.
Parents check in to see how their child is sleeping
Parents “check in” on their kids every so often during nap or night time. As an outsider, you think that it is simply to see how the child is doing and is an act of love. In actuality, it is to see if the kid is dead or not breathing. The relief gained from having a not-dead child is priceless.
Having two kids is twice as hard as having one kid
Completely wrong. Here is the math:
-Having one child is like having one child
-Having two children is like having four children
-Having three kids is like having five kids
-Having four kids is like having two kids.
The complexity going from one kid to two is that you, as a parental team, have shared the responsibility of taking care of one kid. Once you have two, that whole little unwritten sharing contract is out the door. You now must put out 4 times the effort to manage the two kids. Once you have three kids, the ratio starts to go down. Four kids might as well be none. If you have five kids, obviously the other wives can help to take care of all the little darlings.
Scientific studies say that sugar actually does not make your child hyper
Hell yes sugar makes your kid hyper. I don’t care what scientific studies say. Not only does it make them hyper, it makes them pre-hyper. If kids know about the existence of candy, which they do, they will desire it. Because kids only know about eating and crapping, that candy will fill 90% of their reality. And their reality will be jumping up and down and screaming. They want it and that’s it. Once you give it to them, they want more. If you deny it, they will kid bitch and kid bitching sucks.
My child is advanced
Every parent believes that their kid is somehow smarter than other kids and they will share this information with you. Wrong. Your child is just as stupid as the rest. Kids are only as smart as you let them be. I suggest a daily round of brow beatings to drop of heavy load of self doubt on your kid. Self doubters work harder and make more money to take care of you later in life. Unless your little Einstein is reading and writing at age four, go sit down. If they are reading and writing at age four, my kid with low self esteem is going to beat them up.
Having kids ruins your sex life
Ok, you’ve got me on this one.
Parents love their children equally
Bottom line, one kid is always going to be better than the others for some unknown, visceral reason. Either because they were the first or have more personality or they are smarter than the others. Parents also like the child that physically resembles them. I’m not saying it is a whole lot of difference in the amount of love, but that deep in the back of their minds, parents all ready have their “Sophie’s Choice” made up. If you are an only child, congrats. If you are adopted, you are screwed.
Parents check in to see how their child is sleeping
Parents “check in” on their kids every so often during nap or night time. As an outsider, you think that it is simply to see how the child is doing and is an act of love. In actuality, it is to see if the kid is dead or not breathing. The relief gained from having a not-dead child is priceless.
Having two kids is twice as hard as having one kid
Completely wrong. Here is the math:
-Having one child is like having one child
-Having two children is like having four children
-Having three kids is like having five kids
-Having four kids is like having two kids.
The complexity going from one kid to two is that you, as a parental team, have shared the responsibility of taking care of one kid. Once you have two, that whole little unwritten sharing contract is out the door. You now must put out 4 times the effort to manage the two kids. Once you have three kids, the ratio starts to go down. Four kids might as well be none. If you have five kids, obviously the other wives can help to take care of all the little darlings.
Scientific studies say that sugar actually does not make your child hyper
Hell yes sugar makes your kid hyper. I don’t care what scientific studies say. Not only does it make them hyper, it makes them pre-hyper. If kids know about the existence of candy, which they do, they will desire it. Because kids only know about eating and crapping, that candy will fill 90% of their reality. And their reality will be jumping up and down and screaming. They want it and that’s it. Once you give it to them, they want more. If you deny it, they will kid bitch and kid bitching sucks.
My child is advanced
Every parent believes that their kid is somehow smarter than other kids and they will share this information with you. Wrong. Your child is just as stupid as the rest. Kids are only as smart as you let them be. I suggest a daily round of brow beatings to drop of heavy load of self doubt on your kid. Self doubters work harder and make more money to take care of you later in life. Unless your little Einstein is reading and writing at age four, go sit down. If they are reading and writing at age four, my kid with low self esteem is going to beat them up.
Having kids ruins your sex life
Ok, you’ve got me on this one.
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