nedjelja, ožujka 15, 2009
ponedjeljak, ožujka 09, 2009
Little Johny
Little Johnny's next-door neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby so Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with him before going to the neighbours.
He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behaviour and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to belt your butt when we get back home." "I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny. At the neighbour's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!"
The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny." Little Johnny continued, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good?".
The mother a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision". Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a good thing, cause he'd be f**ked if he needed to wear glasses".
He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behaviour and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to belt your butt when we get back home." "I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny. At the neighbour's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!"
The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny." Little Johnny continued, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good?".
The mother a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision". Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a good thing, cause he'd be f**ked if he needed to wear glasses".
petak, ožujka 06, 2009
TIPS FROM THE REDNECK BOOK OF MANNERS
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It’s considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date’s appearance, such as, “ya’ll sure don’t sweat much for a fat broad.”
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It’s considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date’s appearance, such as, “ya’ll sure don’t sweat much for a fat broad.”
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records
subota, siječnja 17, 2009
Toliko o poljupcima
Piše Mate pismo svojoj ženi Mandi:
Draga ženo, ne mogu ovaj misec poslat plaću pa ti šaljen 100 pojubaca ...jubavi moja
Tvoj muž
Mate
Na to će njemu Manda:
Najdraži mužiću,
Hvala ti za tih 100 pojubaca; evo ti šajen detalje troškova:
1. Susid se složija da mu platin toškove razbijenog prozora sa 2 pojupca misečno
2. Lektričar se složija da mu platin struju pojupcima ali tek nakon mog sedmog pojupca
3. Vlasnik našeg stana dolazi svaki dan i traži 2 do 3 pojupca umjesto mjesečne najamnine
4. Vlasnik dućana nije prihvatija samo pojupce...pa san mu priuštila i nike druge stvari
5. Ostali troškovi: 40 poljubaca
Molin te , ne brini se za mene...ostalo mi je još nekih 35 pojubaca i nadam se da ću uspiti " rastegnuti ovaj misec".
Oću li isto tako planirat i za idući mjesec, molin te, reci mi šta da radin!!
Tvoja najdraža
Manda
Draga ženo, ne mogu ovaj misec poslat plaću pa ti šaljen 100 pojubaca ...jubavi moja
Tvoj muž
Mate
Na to će njemu Manda:
Najdraži mužiću,
Hvala ti za tih 100 pojubaca; evo ti šajen detalje troškova:
1. Susid se složija da mu platin toškove razbijenog prozora sa 2 pojupca misečno
2. Lektričar se složija da mu platin struju pojupcima ali tek nakon mog sedmog pojupca
3. Vlasnik našeg stana dolazi svaki dan i traži 2 do 3 pojupca umjesto mjesečne najamnine
4. Vlasnik dućana nije prihvatija samo pojupce...pa san mu priuštila i nike druge stvari
5. Ostali troškovi: 40 poljubaca
Molin te , ne brini se za mene...ostalo mi je još nekih 35 pojubaca i nadam se da ću uspiti " rastegnuti ovaj misec".
Oću li isto tako planirat i za idući mjesec, molin te, reci mi šta da radin!!
Tvoja najdraža
Manda
Farbanje broda
Na natječaju za farbanje broda Queen Mary 2, posao dobije Mujo & Co iz
Doboja. Dolazi nadzorni organ provjeriti kako je pofarbano, gleda komisija
kvalitetu boje, koliko slojeva itd, s obale sve ok.
Sjednu u čamac vidjeti drugu stranu, kad ona uopće nije pofarbana.
- Jel' umijete vi, mr. Mujo, čitati ugovor?
- Jes vala, umijem.
- Pa što ste pofarbali samo jednu stranu?
- A jel' umijete Vi čitati ugovor? Lijepo piše da "farbanju broda
pristupaju, s jedne strane, Mujo & Co iz Doboja, a s druge strane
investitor". Il' farbajte svoju stranu, ili da pišemo neki aneks.
Doboja. Dolazi nadzorni organ provjeriti kako je pofarbano, gleda komisija
kvalitetu boje, koliko slojeva itd, s obale sve ok.
Sjednu u čamac vidjeti drugu stranu, kad ona uopće nije pofarbana.
- Jel' umijete vi, mr. Mujo, čitati ugovor?
- Jes vala, umijem.
- Pa što ste pofarbali samo jednu stranu?
- A jel' umijete Vi čitati ugovor? Lijepo piše da "farbanju broda
pristupaju, s jedne strane, Mujo & Co iz Doboja, a s druge strane
investitor". Il' farbajte svoju stranu, ili da pišemo neki aneks.
Daj se malo skoncentriraj
Kupe dva kronera litru brlje (domaće) i raspravljaju dal'' da ju popiju odmah ili kasnije.
Nakon kraće prepirke predloži jedan da sakrije flašu iza leđa, pa ako drugi pogodi u kojoj je ruci, piju odmah.
Sakrije on flašu i veli:
- Ajde reci u kojoj je ruci?
Drugi veli:
- U lijevoj!
Na to će prvi:
- Daj se malo skoncentriraj!
Nakon kraće prepirke predloži jedan da sakrije flašu iza leđa, pa ako drugi pogodi u kojoj je ruci, piju odmah.
Sakrije on flašu i veli:
- Ajde reci u kojoj je ruci?
Drugi veli:
- U lijevoj!
Na to će prvi:
- Daj se malo skoncentriraj!
Hofmanove kapljice
Bračni par koji već više godina nema djece, došao je do liječnika za kojeg se priča da ima 100% uspjeha u liječenju takvih problema.
Liječnik ih je oboje pregledao, izvršio sve potrebne analize i na kraju zadržao suprugu zbog posebnog tretmana. Nešto kasnije liječnik izlazi u čekaonicu i kaže suprugu:
- Ništa nemojte brinuti, sve analize govore da će liječenje biti uspješno. Vašoj supruzi sam dao Hofmanove kapljice i rezultati će se vrlo brzo vidjeti.
Na to će suprug:
- Puno hvala doktore! Ne mogu Vam reći koliko nam to mnogo znači!
Zatim će potiho:
- Zakopčajte šlic, viri Vam Hofman...
Liječnik ih je oboje pregledao, izvršio sve potrebne analize i na kraju zadržao suprugu zbog posebnog tretmana. Nešto kasnije liječnik izlazi u čekaonicu i kaže suprugu:
- Ništa nemojte brinuti, sve analize govore da će liječenje biti uspješno. Vašoj supruzi sam dao Hofmanove kapljice i rezultati će se vrlo brzo vidjeti.
Na to će suprug:
- Puno hvala doktore! Ne mogu Vam reći koliko nam to mnogo znači!
Zatim će potiho:
- Zakopčajte šlic, viri Vam Hofman...
Nije ptičar
Dobio Mujo psa ptičara na poklon pa pozove Hasu da odu u lov na fazane da ga isprobaju.
I odu oni u lov i love sat, dva, tri i ništa.
Probaju oni drugi dan, a ono opet ništa.
I kaže Mujo Hasi:
- Haso, ili ovo nije ptičar ill ga mi prenisko bacamo.
I odu oni u lov i love sat, dva, tri i ništa.
Probaju oni drugi dan, a ono opet ništa.
I kaže Mujo Hasi:
- Haso, ili ovo nije ptičar ill ga mi prenisko bacamo.
Poruka gazdi
U nekom kafiću jedna dama zanosnih oblina izašla je iz WC-a i sjela za šank. Nagnula se naprijed i privukla pažnju barmena. On ju promotri znatiželjnim pogledom, a ona mu uzvrati još dubljim naklonom izazivajući ga da joj priđe bliže. Barmen joj priđe skroz blizu unoseći joj se u lice; ona ispruži ruku i dotaknu mu nježno bradu te posve polako uvuče mu prste u kosu i nježnim glasom zapita:
- "Gospodine, jeste li vi vlasnik ovog bara?"
- "Nisam, gospođo" - sada već drhtavim glasom odgovori barmen i doda - "ali, mogu mu prenijeti vašu poruku ukoliko to želite."
Žena nije dugo čekala. Spretno je prešla kažiprstom preko mladićevih usana raširivsi ih lagano, polaaako, skroz polako te vrlo vješto stavi kažiprst između mladićevih usana i počne se poigravati mladićevim jezikom i nepcem. Vrlo uzbuđen, mladić nekako profrflja:
- "Recite mi što bih trebao prenijeti gazdi?"
Dama ustuknu i doda:
- "Molim vas, recite mu da u WC-u nema niti papira, niti sapuna niti ubrusa...
- "Gospodine, jeste li vi vlasnik ovog bara?"
- "Nisam, gospođo" - sada već drhtavim glasom odgovori barmen i doda - "ali, mogu mu prenijeti vašu poruku ukoliko to želite."
Žena nije dugo čekala. Spretno je prešla kažiprstom preko mladićevih usana raširivsi ih lagano, polaaako, skroz polako te vrlo vješto stavi kažiprst između mladićevih usana i počne se poigravati mladićevim jezikom i nepcem. Vrlo uzbuđen, mladić nekako profrflja:
- "Recite mi što bih trebao prenijeti gazdi?"
Dama ustuknu i doda:
- "Molim vas, recite mu da u WC-u nema niti papira, niti sapuna niti ubrusa...
petak, siječnja 16, 2009
petak, prosinca 26, 2008
subota, studenoga 15, 2008
četvrtak, listopada 09, 2008
utorak, rujna 09, 2008
nedjelja, rujna 07, 2008
Will and Guy's Computer Jokes for Vista
The following are new Windows messages that have been introduced with Vista:
1.Frequently asked questions about Vista. No 1 Question - How do I get my money back? (Fact is stranger than fiction)
2.This will end your Vista session. Do you want to play another game?
3.Kennel stack overflow problem. Your new Patch is now available. Call at the vet and collect your dog.
4.BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
Suggested Action. Emigrate.
5.Upon completion of this investigation, Microsoft will take action to help solve your problem. This will involve remote execution of the user.
6.The media is corrupt. Therefore, don't read the manual - bribe a reporter.
Windows Update Service Problem. Waitress is sick.
7.A problem has been detected and Windows has been shut down to prevent damage to your computer. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
8.Path not found. Try the grass shortcut.
9.An operations error occurred. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
10.Press any key to continue, or any other key to quit.
11.Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
12.Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
13.Vista object doesn't support this property or method. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
14.Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
15.User Error: Replace user.
16.No network provider accepted the given network path. In plain English, we have not got a clue what's wrong.
17.Vista message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
18.'Known issue' - it's just the solution that is unknown.
19.This network connection does not exist, and neither does any help.
20.This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
21.Object already non-existent. Are you sure you still want to delete? (N/N)
22.The network location cannot be reached. To 'shutdown' your system, type 'WIN.'
23.COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
24.CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
25,File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
26.Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
27.Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
28.Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
29.Vista_error 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
30.Workaround. The workaround does not work, but it makes us fell better to include it.
31.Windows VirusScan 1.0 - 'Windows Vista found: Remove it? (Y/N)'
32.Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
33.If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
34.Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
35.We are reading your error report, but we are not understanding.
36.Hold down the Numb Lock. Phone 555-1212-4590 and ask for Lulu.
37.You can provide feedback by completing the form. However, you are wasting your time because it goes to a sink account that we never read.
38.Disclaimer: We would like to thank Bart Simpson, who had the least to do with these solutions and was therefore of the most help.
nedjelja, lipnja 15, 2008
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