petak, listopada 09, 2009
petak, ožujka 27, 2009
Mujo i sat
Vozi se Mujo u vozu, a nasuprot njega jedan zgodan momak. U jednom trenutku momak ga upita koliko je sati. Mujo izvadi iz dzepa svoj sat, pogleda u njega, spremi ga i suti. Nakon nekog vremena upita ga momak:
- Zasto necete da mi kazete koliko je sati?
- Zato, jer ako ti kazem, ti ces meni reci hvala. Ja cu tebi reci nema na cemu. Ti ces tada mene upitati kuda putujem, a ja cu tebi reci da idem u Tuzlu. Ti ces onda mene pitati koga imam u Tuzli, a ja cu tebi odgovoriti da tamo imam zenu i kcerku.
- Onda ces ti mene pitati koliko godina ima moja kcerka, a ja cu tebi odgovoriti da ima dvadeset.
- Onda ces ti mene pitati jeli moja kcerka lijepa, a ja cu ti odgovoriti da takove ljepotice malo gdje mozes
vidjeti.
- Onda ces ti htjeti da dodjes sa mnom u Tuzlu da ju upoznas, a ja cu te odvesti kuci.
- Kada ju vidis ti ces ju odmah zaprositi, a ja cu te onda morati poslati u picku materinu jer jebes zeta koji nema ni sat!
- Zasto necete da mi kazete koliko je sati?
- Zato, jer ako ti kazem, ti ces meni reci hvala. Ja cu tebi reci nema na cemu. Ti ces tada mene upitati kuda putujem, a ja cu tebi reci da idem u Tuzlu. Ti ces onda mene pitati koga imam u Tuzli, a ja cu tebi odgovoriti da tamo imam zenu i kcerku.
- Onda ces ti mene pitati koliko godina ima moja kcerka, a ja cu tebi odgovoriti da ima dvadeset.
- Onda ces ti mene pitati jeli moja kcerka lijepa, a ja cu ti odgovoriti da takove ljepotice malo gdje mozes
vidjeti.
- Onda ces ti htjeti da dodjes sa mnom u Tuzlu da ju upoznas, a ja cu te odvesti kuci.
- Kada ju vidis ti ces ju odmah zaprositi, a ja cu te onda morati poslati u picku materinu jer jebes zeta koji nema ni sat!
srijeda, ožujka 25, 2009
nedjelja, ožujka 15, 2009
ponedjeljak, ožujka 09, 2009
Little Johny
Little Johnny's next-door neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby so Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with him before going to the neighbours.
He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behaviour and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to belt your butt when we get back home." "I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny. At the neighbour's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!"
The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny." Little Johnny continued, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good?".
The mother a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision". Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a good thing, cause he'd be f**ked if he needed to wear glasses".
He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behaviour and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to belt your butt when we get back home." "I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny. At the neighbour's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!"
The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny." Little Johnny continued, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good?".
The mother a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision". Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a good thing, cause he'd be f**ked if he needed to wear glasses".
petak, ožujka 06, 2009
TIPS FROM THE REDNECK BOOK OF MANNERS
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It’s considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date’s appearance, such as, “ya’ll sure don’t sweat much for a fat broad.”
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It’s considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date’s appearance, such as, “ya’ll sure don’t sweat much for a fat broad.”
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records
subota, siječnja 17, 2009
Toliko o poljupcima
Piše Mate pismo svojoj ženi Mandi:
Draga ženo, ne mogu ovaj misec poslat plaću pa ti šaljen 100 pojubaca ...jubavi moja
Tvoj muž
Mate
Na to će njemu Manda:
Najdraži mužiću,
Hvala ti za tih 100 pojubaca; evo ti šajen detalje troškova:
1. Susid se složija da mu platin toškove razbijenog prozora sa 2 pojupca misečno
2. Lektričar se složija da mu platin struju pojupcima ali tek nakon mog sedmog pojupca
3. Vlasnik našeg stana dolazi svaki dan i traži 2 do 3 pojupca umjesto mjesečne najamnine
4. Vlasnik dućana nije prihvatija samo pojupce...pa san mu priuštila i nike druge stvari
5. Ostali troškovi: 40 poljubaca
Molin te , ne brini se za mene...ostalo mi je još nekih 35 pojubaca i nadam se da ću uspiti " rastegnuti ovaj misec".
Oću li isto tako planirat i za idući mjesec, molin te, reci mi šta da radin!!
Tvoja najdraža
Manda
Draga ženo, ne mogu ovaj misec poslat plaću pa ti šaljen 100 pojubaca ...jubavi moja
Tvoj muž
Mate
Na to će njemu Manda:
Najdraži mužiću,
Hvala ti za tih 100 pojubaca; evo ti šajen detalje troškova:
1. Susid se složija da mu platin toškove razbijenog prozora sa 2 pojupca misečno
2. Lektričar se složija da mu platin struju pojupcima ali tek nakon mog sedmog pojupca
3. Vlasnik našeg stana dolazi svaki dan i traži 2 do 3 pojupca umjesto mjesečne najamnine
4. Vlasnik dućana nije prihvatija samo pojupce...pa san mu priuštila i nike druge stvari
5. Ostali troškovi: 40 poljubaca
Molin te , ne brini se za mene...ostalo mi je još nekih 35 pojubaca i nadam se da ću uspiti " rastegnuti ovaj misec".
Oću li isto tako planirat i za idući mjesec, molin te, reci mi šta da radin!!
Tvoja najdraža
Manda
Farbanje broda
Na natječaju za farbanje broda Queen Mary 2, posao dobije Mujo & Co iz
Doboja. Dolazi nadzorni organ provjeriti kako je pofarbano, gleda komisija
kvalitetu boje, koliko slojeva itd, s obale sve ok.
Sjednu u čamac vidjeti drugu stranu, kad ona uopće nije pofarbana.
- Jel' umijete vi, mr. Mujo, čitati ugovor?
- Jes vala, umijem.
- Pa što ste pofarbali samo jednu stranu?
- A jel' umijete Vi čitati ugovor? Lijepo piše da "farbanju broda
pristupaju, s jedne strane, Mujo & Co iz Doboja, a s druge strane
investitor". Il' farbajte svoju stranu, ili da pišemo neki aneks.
Doboja. Dolazi nadzorni organ provjeriti kako je pofarbano, gleda komisija
kvalitetu boje, koliko slojeva itd, s obale sve ok.
Sjednu u čamac vidjeti drugu stranu, kad ona uopće nije pofarbana.
- Jel' umijete vi, mr. Mujo, čitati ugovor?
- Jes vala, umijem.
- Pa što ste pofarbali samo jednu stranu?
- A jel' umijete Vi čitati ugovor? Lijepo piše da "farbanju broda
pristupaju, s jedne strane, Mujo & Co iz Doboja, a s druge strane
investitor". Il' farbajte svoju stranu, ili da pišemo neki aneks.
Daj se malo skoncentriraj
Kupe dva kronera litru brlje (domaće) i raspravljaju dal'' da ju popiju odmah ili kasnije.
Nakon kraće prepirke predloži jedan da sakrije flašu iza leđa, pa ako drugi pogodi u kojoj je ruci, piju odmah.
Sakrije on flašu i veli:
- Ajde reci u kojoj je ruci?
Drugi veli:
- U lijevoj!
Na to će prvi:
- Daj se malo skoncentriraj!
Nakon kraće prepirke predloži jedan da sakrije flašu iza leđa, pa ako drugi pogodi u kojoj je ruci, piju odmah.
Sakrije on flašu i veli:
- Ajde reci u kojoj je ruci?
Drugi veli:
- U lijevoj!
Na to će prvi:
- Daj se malo skoncentriraj!
Hofmanove kapljice
Bračni par koji već više godina nema djece, došao je do liječnika za kojeg se priča da ima 100% uspjeha u liječenju takvih problema.
Liječnik ih je oboje pregledao, izvršio sve potrebne analize i na kraju zadržao suprugu zbog posebnog tretmana. Nešto kasnije liječnik izlazi u čekaonicu i kaže suprugu:
- Ništa nemojte brinuti, sve analize govore da će liječenje biti uspješno. Vašoj supruzi sam dao Hofmanove kapljice i rezultati će se vrlo brzo vidjeti.
Na to će suprug:
- Puno hvala doktore! Ne mogu Vam reći koliko nam to mnogo znači!
Zatim će potiho:
- Zakopčajte šlic, viri Vam Hofman...
Liječnik ih je oboje pregledao, izvršio sve potrebne analize i na kraju zadržao suprugu zbog posebnog tretmana. Nešto kasnije liječnik izlazi u čekaonicu i kaže suprugu:
- Ništa nemojte brinuti, sve analize govore da će liječenje biti uspješno. Vašoj supruzi sam dao Hofmanove kapljice i rezultati će se vrlo brzo vidjeti.
Na to će suprug:
- Puno hvala doktore! Ne mogu Vam reći koliko nam to mnogo znači!
Zatim će potiho:
- Zakopčajte šlic, viri Vam Hofman...
Nije ptičar
Dobio Mujo psa ptičara na poklon pa pozove Hasu da odu u lov na fazane da ga isprobaju.
I odu oni u lov i love sat, dva, tri i ništa.
Probaju oni drugi dan, a ono opet ništa.
I kaže Mujo Hasi:
- Haso, ili ovo nije ptičar ill ga mi prenisko bacamo.
I odu oni u lov i love sat, dva, tri i ništa.
Probaju oni drugi dan, a ono opet ništa.
I kaže Mujo Hasi:
- Haso, ili ovo nije ptičar ill ga mi prenisko bacamo.
Poruka gazdi
U nekom kafiću jedna dama zanosnih oblina izašla je iz WC-a i sjela za šank. Nagnula se naprijed i privukla pažnju barmena. On ju promotri znatiželjnim pogledom, a ona mu uzvrati još dubljim naklonom izazivajući ga da joj priđe bliže. Barmen joj priđe skroz blizu unoseći joj se u lice; ona ispruži ruku i dotaknu mu nježno bradu te posve polako uvuče mu prste u kosu i nježnim glasom zapita:
- "Gospodine, jeste li vi vlasnik ovog bara?"
- "Nisam, gospođo" - sada već drhtavim glasom odgovori barmen i doda - "ali, mogu mu prenijeti vašu poruku ukoliko to želite."
Žena nije dugo čekala. Spretno je prešla kažiprstom preko mladićevih usana raširivsi ih lagano, polaaako, skroz polako te vrlo vješto stavi kažiprst između mladićevih usana i počne se poigravati mladićevim jezikom i nepcem. Vrlo uzbuđen, mladić nekako profrflja:
- "Recite mi što bih trebao prenijeti gazdi?"
Dama ustuknu i doda:
- "Molim vas, recite mu da u WC-u nema niti papira, niti sapuna niti ubrusa...
- "Gospodine, jeste li vi vlasnik ovog bara?"
- "Nisam, gospođo" - sada već drhtavim glasom odgovori barmen i doda - "ali, mogu mu prenijeti vašu poruku ukoliko to želite."
Žena nije dugo čekala. Spretno je prešla kažiprstom preko mladićevih usana raširivsi ih lagano, polaaako, skroz polako te vrlo vješto stavi kažiprst između mladićevih usana i počne se poigravati mladićevim jezikom i nepcem. Vrlo uzbuđen, mladić nekako profrflja:
- "Recite mi što bih trebao prenijeti gazdi?"
Dama ustuknu i doda:
- "Molim vas, recite mu da u WC-u nema niti papira, niti sapuna niti ubrusa...
petak, siječnja 16, 2009
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