nedjelja, lipnja 15, 2008
utorak, lipnja 03, 2008
utorak, svibnja 20, 2008
Mujo i Engleski
Srušio se avion u džunglu. Preživjelo nekoliko njih, medju njima:
Amer-FBI agent, Francuz, Rus i Mujo.
Amerikanac, obučeni agent, odmah počeo da naređuje i organizira:
"You will provide woods, you will find water, you (Mujo) will provide
supplies..."
Svi se vratili, našli drva za vatru, vodu... jedino Muje nema.
Kaže Amer:
"We have to find him" i krenu da ga traže po džungli.
U jednom trenutku primijete da se mrda jedan grm, priđu, kad ono
iskoci Mujo:
- Suplaaaaajs!!!
Amer-FBI agent, Francuz, Rus i Mujo.
Amerikanac, obučeni agent, odmah počeo da naređuje i organizira:
"You will provide woods, you will find water, you (Mujo) will provide
supplies..."
Svi se vratili, našli drva za vatru, vodu... jedino Muje nema.
Kaže Amer:
"We have to find him" i krenu da ga traže po džungli.
U jednom trenutku primijete da se mrda jedan grm, priđu, kad ono
iskoci Mujo:
- Suplaaaaajs!!!
ponedjeljak, svibnja 19, 2008
subota, travnja 19, 2008
petak, travnja 11, 2008
Last Supper
Q: Why was there only bread and wine at The Last Supper?
A: It was a potluck and only men were invited.
A: It was a potluck and only men were invited.
Making comparisons
In Heaven:
The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.
In Hell:
The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian.
~ ~ ~
In Computer Heaven:
The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.
In Computer Hell:
The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.
The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.
In Hell:
The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian.
~ ~ ~
In Computer Heaven:
The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.
In Computer Hell:
The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.
nedjelja, travnja 06, 2008
The Obedient Wife
There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,
'Wait just a moment!'
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,
'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'
The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him'
You mean to tell me you put that mone y in the casket with him!?!?!?'
'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'
Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,
'Wait just a moment!'
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,
'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'
The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him'
You mean to tell me you put that mone y in the casket with him!?!?!?'
'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'
četvrtak, travnja 03, 2008
Canadian Post Office job
Harry Peters went to the Canadian Post Office to interview for a job.
The interviewer asked him, "Are you a veteran?"
"Yes, I served two tours in Vietnam."
"Good, that counts in your favor. Do you have any service related
disabilities?"
"I am 100% disabled. A mortar round blew off my testicles so they
declared me disabled, it doesn't affect my ability to work, though."
"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I
can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8am to 4pm. Come on in
about 10am, and we'll get you started."
"If working hours are from 8am to 4pm, why do you want me to come at
10am?"
"Well, this is a government organization. We don't do anything but sit
around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point of your coming in for that.
The interviewer asked him, "Are you a veteran?"
"Yes, I served two tours in Vietnam."
"Good, that counts in your favor. Do you have any service related
disabilities?"
"I am 100% disabled. A mortar round blew off my testicles so they
declared me disabled, it doesn't affect my ability to work, though."
"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I
can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8am to 4pm. Come on in
about 10am, and we'll get you started."
"If working hours are from 8am to 4pm, why do you want me to come at
10am?"
"Well, this is a government organization. We don't do anything but sit
around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point of your coming in for that.
utorak, travnja 01, 2008
četvrtak, ožujka 20, 2008
petak, ožujka 07, 2008
Why I Love Ontario ....
It's winter in Ontario
And the gentle breezes blow,
70 miles per hour at 52 below!
Oh, how I love Ontario
When the snow's up to your butt.
You take a breath of winter air
And your nose is frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful,
I guess I'll hang around.
I could never leave Ontario,
'Cause I'm frozen to the ground.
And the gentle breezes blow,
70 miles per hour at 52 below!
Oh, how I love Ontario
When the snow's up to your butt.
You take a breath of winter air
And your nose is frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful,
I guess I'll hang around.
I could never leave Ontario,
'Cause I'm frozen to the ground.
The Real Ontario Driver's Handbook
The 2007 version of the Ontario Driver's Handbook has been rewritten to include the following guidance:
1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident Ontario driver avoids using them.
2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you; the space will just be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less of a chance you have of getting hit.
4. Warning! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No-one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.
5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially with P.Q. or Maritime plates. With no fault insurance, the other operator has nothing to lose.
6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.
7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to prepare other drivers entering the highway.
8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures; they are given only as a suggestion and are not enforceable in Ontario during rush hour, especially in the G.T.A..
9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that an Ontario driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
10. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.
11. Learn to swerve abruptly without signalling. Ontario is the home of high-speed slalom-driving, thanks to the Department of Public Works, which puts pot-holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them
alert.
12. It is tradition in Ontario to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move within three milliseconds of the light turning green.
13. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or roll-over, it is important to exit your vehicle through the windshield right away. Wearing your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from danger.
14. Remember that the goal of every Ontario driver is to get ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.
THANK YOU
The Ontario Registrar of Motor Vehicles
1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident Ontario driver avoids using them.
2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you; the space will just be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less of a chance you have of getting hit.
4. Warning! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No-one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.
5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially with P.Q. or Maritime plates. With no fault insurance, the other operator has nothing to lose.
6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.
7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to prepare other drivers entering the highway.
8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures; they are given only as a suggestion and are not enforceable in Ontario during rush hour, especially in the G.T.A..
9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that an Ontario driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
10. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.
11. Learn to swerve abruptly without signalling. Ontario is the home of high-speed slalom-driving, thanks to the Department of Public Works, which puts pot-holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them
alert.
12. It is tradition in Ontario to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move within three milliseconds of the light turning green.
13. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or roll-over, it is important to exit your vehicle through the windshield right away. Wearing your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from danger.
14. Remember that the goal of every Ontario driver is to get ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.
THANK YOU
The Ontario Registrar of Motor Vehicles
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