Zaposli se Fata, dobije svoje računalo, radi svakodnevno na njemu, sve ide super.
Međutim, jedan dan se razboli i ne dođe na posao, a njenim kolegama treba nešto s njenog računala, ali ne znaju lozinku (password).
Zovu oni Fatu: - "Fato, koja ti je lozinka na računalu?"
Kaže Fata: - "Velkom".
Probaju oni: 'WELLCOME' - neće.
Probaju 'VELKOM' - neće. 'VELLCOME', 'WELCOME' - ništa neće.
Zovu oni Fatu ponovo: "Fato, kaži nam koliko slova ima ova tvoja zaporka?"
- "Pa jedno", kaže Fata.
- "Pa kako jedno, pobogu?!", pitaju kolege opet. -
"Pa vel'ko M!"
subota, srpnja 14, 2007
utorak, srpnja 10, 2007
petak, lipnja 22, 2007
srijeda, lipnja 20, 2007
Parental Myths That No Parent Will Tell You About
Here are a few items that every pre-parent or misguided parent should know. Sorry Mom and Dad.
Parents love their children equally
Bottom line, one kid is always going to be better than the others for some unknown, visceral reason. Either because they were the first or have more personality or they are smarter than the others. Parents also like the child that physically resembles them. I’m not saying it is a whole lot of difference in the amount of love, but that deep in the back of their minds, parents all ready have their “Sophie’s Choice” made up. If you are an only child, congrats. If you are adopted, you are screwed.
Parents check in to see how their child is sleeping
Parents “check in” on their kids every so often during nap or night time. As an outsider, you think that it is simply to see how the child is doing and is an act of love. In actuality, it is to see if the kid is dead or not breathing. The relief gained from having a not-dead child is priceless.
Having two kids is twice as hard as having one kid
Completely wrong. Here is the math:
-Having one child is like having one child
-Having two children is like having four children
-Having three kids is like having five kids
-Having four kids is like having two kids.
The complexity going from one kid to two is that you, as a parental team, have shared the responsibility of taking care of one kid. Once you have two, that whole little unwritten sharing contract is out the door. You now must put out 4 times the effort to manage the two kids. Once you have three kids, the ratio starts to go down. Four kids might as well be none. If you have five kids, obviously the other wives can help to take care of all the little darlings.
Scientific studies say that sugar actually does not make your child hyper
Hell yes sugar makes your kid hyper. I don’t care what scientific studies say. Not only does it make them hyper, it makes them pre-hyper. If kids know about the existence of candy, which they do, they will desire it. Because kids only know about eating and crapping, that candy will fill 90% of their reality. And their reality will be jumping up and down and screaming. They want it and that’s it. Once you give it to them, they want more. If you deny it, they will kid bitch and kid bitching sucks.
My child is advanced
Every parent believes that their kid is somehow smarter than other kids and they will share this information with you. Wrong. Your child is just as stupid as the rest. Kids are only as smart as you let them be. I suggest a daily round of brow beatings to drop of heavy load of self doubt on your kid. Self doubters work harder and make more money to take care of you later in life. Unless your little Einstein is reading and writing at age four, go sit down. If they are reading and writing at age four, my kid with low self esteem is going to beat them up.
Having kids ruins your sex life
Ok, you’ve got me on this one.
Parents love their children equally
Bottom line, one kid is always going to be better than the others for some unknown, visceral reason. Either because they were the first or have more personality or they are smarter than the others. Parents also like the child that physically resembles them. I’m not saying it is a whole lot of difference in the amount of love, but that deep in the back of their minds, parents all ready have their “Sophie’s Choice” made up. If you are an only child, congrats. If you are adopted, you are screwed.
Parents check in to see how their child is sleeping
Parents “check in” on their kids every so often during nap or night time. As an outsider, you think that it is simply to see how the child is doing and is an act of love. In actuality, it is to see if the kid is dead or not breathing. The relief gained from having a not-dead child is priceless.
Having two kids is twice as hard as having one kid
Completely wrong. Here is the math:
-Having one child is like having one child
-Having two children is like having four children
-Having three kids is like having five kids
-Having four kids is like having two kids.
The complexity going from one kid to two is that you, as a parental team, have shared the responsibility of taking care of one kid. Once you have two, that whole little unwritten sharing contract is out the door. You now must put out 4 times the effort to manage the two kids. Once you have three kids, the ratio starts to go down. Four kids might as well be none. If you have five kids, obviously the other wives can help to take care of all the little darlings.
Scientific studies say that sugar actually does not make your child hyper
Hell yes sugar makes your kid hyper. I don’t care what scientific studies say. Not only does it make them hyper, it makes them pre-hyper. If kids know about the existence of candy, which they do, they will desire it. Because kids only know about eating and crapping, that candy will fill 90% of their reality. And their reality will be jumping up and down and screaming. They want it and that’s it. Once you give it to them, they want more. If you deny it, they will kid bitch and kid bitching sucks.
My child is advanced
Every parent believes that their kid is somehow smarter than other kids and they will share this information with you. Wrong. Your child is just as stupid as the rest. Kids are only as smart as you let them be. I suggest a daily round of brow beatings to drop of heavy load of self doubt on your kid. Self doubters work harder and make more money to take care of you later in life. Unless your little Einstein is reading and writing at age four, go sit down. If they are reading and writing at age four, my kid with low self esteem is going to beat them up.
Having kids ruins your sex life
Ok, you’ve got me on this one.
srijeda, lipnja 06, 2007
Irishmen joke
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat
this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost
nearly 90 pounds
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
instructions?"
The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I
were going to drop dead dat 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
- -
"No, . . . .
-
"from dat bloody skippin'!!!!!"
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat
this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost
nearly 90 pounds
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
instructions?"
The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I
were going to drop dead dat 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
- -
"No, . . . .
-
"from dat bloody skippin'!!!!!"
utorak, lipnja 05, 2007
ponedjeljak, lipnja 04, 2007
srijeda, svibnja 30, 2007
Pigs mating joke
A farmer had five female pigs.Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.
At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles apart.So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M.,loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass in the morning,they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning for more than a week.The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed.He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."
At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles apart.So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M.,loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass in the morning,they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning for more than a week.The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed.He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."
Polish Remover
A Polish man moved to the U.S. and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. Until one day, he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. He said, "very quick!"
The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him some questions.
"Have you any grounds"?
"Ja, Ja, acre and half and nice little home."
"No, I mean what is the foundation of this case"?
"It made of concrete."
"Do either of you have a real grudge"?
"No, we have carport and not need one."
"I mean, what are your relations like"?
"All my relations still in Poland."
"Is there any infidelity in your marriage"?
"Ja, we have hi-fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."
Does your wife beat you up"?
"No, I always up before her."
"Why do you want this divorce"?
"She going to kill me."
"What makes you think that"?
"I got proof."
"What kind of proof"?
"She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read and it say '"Polish Remover.
The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him some questions.
"Have you any grounds"?
"Ja, Ja, acre and half and nice little home."
"No, I mean what is the foundation of this case"?
"It made of concrete."
"Do either of you have a real grudge"?
"No, we have carport and not need one."
"I mean, what are your relations like"?
"All my relations still in Poland."
"Is there any infidelity in your marriage"?
"Ja, we have hi-fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."
Does your wife beat you up"?
"No, I always up before her."
"Why do you want this divorce"?
"She going to kill me."
"What makes you think that"?
"I got proof."
"What kind of proof"?
"She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read and it say '"Polish Remover.
petak, svibnja 25, 2007
Psihologija
U jednom popularnom kafiću jedan mladić odluči pozvati jednu djevojku na piće...
Pridje njenom stolu i upita:- "Izvinite, mogu li vas pozvati na jedno piće?"
Djevojka na sav glas zavika:- "ŠTO? ZAR U U TVOJOJ SOBI?"
Momak zbunjen:- "Ne, ne razumijete. Samo vas pozivam na piće."
Djevojka jos glasnije:- "ŠTO? A SAD BI U HOTELU?"
Momak sav posramljen odleti do šanka, da što prije plati svoj račun i pobjegne od stida.
Kad odjednom mu pridje ona djevojka i objasni:- "Izvini za ono prije. Znaš, studiram psihologiju i istrazujem kako ljudi reagiraju u neugodnim situacijama."
Tada se momak zadere na sav glas:-
"ŠTO? ZA 200 EURA? NISAM LUD."
Pridje njenom stolu i upita:- "Izvinite, mogu li vas pozvati na jedno piće?"
Djevojka na sav glas zavika:- "ŠTO? ZAR U U TVOJOJ SOBI?"
Momak zbunjen:- "Ne, ne razumijete. Samo vas pozivam na piće."
Djevojka jos glasnije:- "ŠTO? A SAD BI U HOTELU?"
Momak sav posramljen odleti do šanka, da što prije plati svoj račun i pobjegne od stida.
Kad odjednom mu pridje ona djevojka i objasni:- "Izvini za ono prije. Znaš, studiram psihologiju i istrazujem kako ljudi reagiraju u neugodnim situacijama."
Tada se momak zadere na sav glas:-
"ŠTO? ZA 200 EURA? NISAM LUD."
nedjelja, svibnja 20, 2007
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