subota, siječnja 17, 2009
Nije ptičar
Dobio Mujo psa ptičara na poklon pa pozove Hasu da odu u lov na fazane da ga isprobaju.
I odu oni u lov i love sat, dva, tri i ništa.
Probaju oni drugi dan, a ono opet ništa.
I kaže Mujo Hasi:
- Haso, ili ovo nije ptičar ill ga mi prenisko bacamo.
I odu oni u lov i love sat, dva, tri i ništa.
Probaju oni drugi dan, a ono opet ništa.
I kaže Mujo Hasi:
- Haso, ili ovo nije ptičar ill ga mi prenisko bacamo.
Poruka gazdi
U nekom kafiću jedna dama zanosnih oblina izašla je iz WC-a i sjela za šank. Nagnula se naprijed i privukla pažnju barmena. On ju promotri znatiželjnim pogledom, a ona mu uzvrati još dubljim naklonom izazivajući ga da joj priđe bliže. Barmen joj priđe skroz blizu unoseći joj se u lice; ona ispruži ruku i dotaknu mu nježno bradu te posve polako uvuče mu prste u kosu i nježnim glasom zapita:
- "Gospodine, jeste li vi vlasnik ovog bara?"
- "Nisam, gospođo" - sada već drhtavim glasom odgovori barmen i doda - "ali, mogu mu prenijeti vašu poruku ukoliko to želite."
Žena nije dugo čekala. Spretno je prešla kažiprstom preko mladićevih usana raširivsi ih lagano, polaaako, skroz polako te vrlo vješto stavi kažiprst između mladićevih usana i počne se poigravati mladićevim jezikom i nepcem. Vrlo uzbuđen, mladić nekako profrflja:
- "Recite mi što bih trebao prenijeti gazdi?"
Dama ustuknu i doda:
- "Molim vas, recite mu da u WC-u nema niti papira, niti sapuna niti ubrusa...
- "Gospodine, jeste li vi vlasnik ovog bara?"
- "Nisam, gospođo" - sada već drhtavim glasom odgovori barmen i doda - "ali, mogu mu prenijeti vašu poruku ukoliko to želite."
Žena nije dugo čekala. Spretno je prešla kažiprstom preko mladićevih usana raširivsi ih lagano, polaaako, skroz polako te vrlo vješto stavi kažiprst između mladićevih usana i počne se poigravati mladićevim jezikom i nepcem. Vrlo uzbuđen, mladić nekako profrflja:
- "Recite mi što bih trebao prenijeti gazdi?"
Dama ustuknu i doda:
- "Molim vas, recite mu da u WC-u nema niti papira, niti sapuna niti ubrusa...
petak, siječnja 16, 2009
petak, prosinca 26, 2008
subota, studenoga 15, 2008
četvrtak, listopada 09, 2008
utorak, rujna 09, 2008
nedjelja, rujna 07, 2008
Will and Guy's Computer Jokes for Vista
The following are new Windows messages that have been introduced with Vista:
1.Frequently asked questions about Vista. No 1 Question - How do I get my money back? (Fact is stranger than fiction)
2.This will end your Vista session. Do you want to play another game?
3.Kennel stack overflow problem. Your new Patch is now available. Call at the vet and collect your dog.
4.BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
Suggested Action. Emigrate.
5.Upon completion of this investigation, Microsoft will take action to help solve your problem. This will involve remote execution of the user.
6.The media is corrupt. Therefore, don't read the manual - bribe a reporter.
Windows Update Service Problem. Waitress is sick.
7.A problem has been detected and Windows has been shut down to prevent damage to your computer. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
8.Path not found. Try the grass shortcut.
9.An operations error occurred. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
10.Press any key to continue, or any other key to quit.
11.Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
12.Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
13.Vista object doesn't support this property or method. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
14.Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
15.User Error: Replace user.
16.No network provider accepted the given network path. In plain English, we have not got a clue what's wrong.
17.Vista message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
18.'Known issue' - it's just the solution that is unknown.
19.This network connection does not exist, and neither does any help.
20.This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
21.Object already non-existent. Are you sure you still want to delete? (N/N)
22.The network location cannot be reached. To 'shutdown' your system, type 'WIN.'
23.COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
24.CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
25,File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
26.Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
27.Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
28.Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
29.Vista_error 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
30.Workaround. The workaround does not work, but it makes us fell better to include it.
31.Windows VirusScan 1.0 - 'Windows Vista found: Remove it? (Y/N)'
32.Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
33.If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
34.Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
35.We are reading your error report, but we are not understanding.
36.Hold down the Numb Lock. Phone 555-1212-4590 and ask for Lulu.
37.You can provide feedback by completing the form. However, you are wasting your time because it goes to a sink account that we never read.
38.Disclaimer: We would like to thank Bart Simpson, who had the least to do with these solutions and was therefore of the most help.
nedjelja, lipnja 15, 2008
utorak, lipnja 03, 2008
utorak, svibnja 20, 2008
Mujo i Engleski
Srušio se avion u džunglu. Preživjelo nekoliko njih, medju njima:
Amer-FBI agent, Francuz, Rus i Mujo.
Amerikanac, obučeni agent, odmah počeo da naređuje i organizira:
"You will provide woods, you will find water, you (Mujo) will provide
supplies..."
Svi se vratili, našli drva za vatru, vodu... jedino Muje nema.
Kaže Amer:
"We have to find him" i krenu da ga traže po džungli.
U jednom trenutku primijete da se mrda jedan grm, priđu, kad ono
iskoci Mujo:
- Suplaaaaajs!!!
Amer-FBI agent, Francuz, Rus i Mujo.
Amerikanac, obučeni agent, odmah počeo da naređuje i organizira:
"You will provide woods, you will find water, you (Mujo) will provide
supplies..."
Svi se vratili, našli drva za vatru, vodu... jedino Muje nema.
Kaže Amer:
"We have to find him" i krenu da ga traže po džungli.
U jednom trenutku primijete da se mrda jedan grm, priđu, kad ono
iskoci Mujo:
- Suplaaaaajs!!!
ponedjeljak, svibnja 19, 2008
subota, travnja 19, 2008
petak, travnja 11, 2008
Last Supper
Q: Why was there only bread and wine at The Last Supper?
A: It was a potluck and only men were invited.
A: It was a potluck and only men were invited.
Making comparisons
In Heaven:
The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.
In Hell:
The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian.
~ ~ ~
In Computer Heaven:
The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.
In Computer Hell:
The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.
The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.
In Hell:
The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian.
~ ~ ~
In Computer Heaven:
The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.
In Computer Hell:
The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.
nedjelja, travnja 06, 2008
The Obedient Wife
There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,
'Wait just a moment!'
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,
'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'
The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him'
You mean to tell me you put that mone y in the casket with him!?!?!?'
'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'
Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,
'Wait just a moment!'
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,
'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'
The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him'
You mean to tell me you put that mone y in the casket with him!?!?!?'
'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'
četvrtak, travnja 03, 2008
Canadian Post Office job
Harry Peters went to the Canadian Post Office to interview for a job.
The interviewer asked him, "Are you a veteran?"
"Yes, I served two tours in Vietnam."
"Good, that counts in your favor. Do you have any service related
disabilities?"
"I am 100% disabled. A mortar round blew off my testicles so they
declared me disabled, it doesn't affect my ability to work, though."
"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I
can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8am to 4pm. Come on in
about 10am, and we'll get you started."
"If working hours are from 8am to 4pm, why do you want me to come at
10am?"
"Well, this is a government organization. We don't do anything but sit
around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point of your coming in for that.
The interviewer asked him, "Are you a veteran?"
"Yes, I served two tours in Vietnam."
"Good, that counts in your favor. Do you have any service related
disabilities?"
"I am 100% disabled. A mortar round blew off my testicles so they
declared me disabled, it doesn't affect my ability to work, though."
"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I
can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8am to 4pm. Come on in
about 10am, and we'll get you started."
"If working hours are from 8am to 4pm, why do you want me to come at
10am?"
"Well, this is a government organization. We don't do anything but sit
around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point of your coming in for that.
utorak, travnja 01, 2008
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