srijeda, kolovoza 15, 2007
Spaghetti
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back.
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without. Send extra sauce.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back.
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without. Send extra sauce.
Phrases that are only used when they are untrue
"I'm not racist, but ..."
"I'm sure I ..."
"I don't want to contradict you..."
"With all due respect"
"Far be it from me ... "
"It goes without saying..."
"... not to mention ..."
"No offense"
"Oh no, I couldn't possibly"
"Oh go on then - just one."
"I won't make this a long speech."
"Nothing, darling."
"Serves 4"
"I'm no prude, but ..."
"I wasn't asleep, you know."
"Family planning"
"Near miss" (used to describe a near hit)
"Network upgrade"
"Care in the community"
"Back in 5 min"
"I'll just put you on hold for a moment."
"Congratulations! You have been specially chosen/selected ..."
"I'm sure I ..."
"I don't want to contradict you..."
"With all due respect"
"Far be it from me ... "
"It goes without saying..."
"... not to mention ..."
"No offense"
"Oh no, I couldn't possibly"
"Oh go on then - just one."
"I won't make this a long speech."
"Nothing, darling."
"Serves 4"
"I'm no prude, but ..."
"I wasn't asleep, you know."
"Family planning"
"Near miss" (used to describe a near hit)
"Network upgrade"
"Care in the community"
"Back in 5 min"
"I'll just put you on hold for a moment."
"Congratulations! You have been specially chosen/selected ..."
nedjelja, kolovoza 05, 2007
Mujo kod doktora
Kaže doktor Muji:
'Moram vam reći, teško ste bolesni,
živjet ćete još godinu dana...'
A Mujo će: 'A od čega, matere ti?'
'Moram vam reći, teško ste bolesni,
živjet ćete još godinu dana...'
A Mujo će: 'A od čega, matere ti?'
subota, srpnja 14, 2007
Fata i računalo
Zaposli se Fata, dobije svoje računalo, radi svakodnevno na njemu, sve ide super.
Međutim, jedan dan se razboli i ne dođe na posao, a njenim kolegama treba nešto s njenog računala, ali ne znaju lozinku (password).
Zovu oni Fatu: - "Fato, koja ti je lozinka na računalu?"
Kaže Fata: - "Velkom".
Probaju oni: 'WELLCOME' - neće.
Probaju 'VELKOM' - neće. 'VELLCOME', 'WELCOME' - ništa neće.
Zovu oni Fatu ponovo: "Fato, kaži nam koliko slova ima ova tvoja zaporka?"
- "Pa jedno", kaže Fata.
- "Pa kako jedno, pobogu?!", pitaju kolege opet. -
"Pa vel'ko M!"
Međutim, jedan dan se razboli i ne dođe na posao, a njenim kolegama treba nešto s njenog računala, ali ne znaju lozinku (password).
Zovu oni Fatu: - "Fato, koja ti je lozinka na računalu?"
Kaže Fata: - "Velkom".
Probaju oni: 'WELLCOME' - neće.
Probaju 'VELKOM' - neće. 'VELLCOME', 'WELCOME' - ništa neće.
Zovu oni Fatu ponovo: "Fato, kaži nam koliko slova ima ova tvoja zaporka?"
- "Pa jedno", kaže Fata.
- "Pa kako jedno, pobogu?!", pitaju kolege opet. -
"Pa vel'ko M!"
utorak, srpnja 10, 2007
petak, lipnja 22, 2007
srijeda, lipnja 20, 2007
Parental Myths That No Parent Will Tell You About
Here are a few items that every pre-parent or misguided parent should know. Sorry Mom and Dad.
Parents love their children equally
Bottom line, one kid is always going to be better than the others for some unknown, visceral reason. Either because they were the first or have more personality or they are smarter than the others. Parents also like the child that physically resembles them. I’m not saying it is a whole lot of difference in the amount of love, but that deep in the back of their minds, parents all ready have their “Sophie’s Choice” made up. If you are an only child, congrats. If you are adopted, you are screwed.
Parents check in to see how their child is sleeping
Parents “check in” on their kids every so often during nap or night time. As an outsider, you think that it is simply to see how the child is doing and is an act of love. In actuality, it is to see if the kid is dead or not breathing. The relief gained from having a not-dead child is priceless.
Having two kids is twice as hard as having one kid
Completely wrong. Here is the math:
-Having one child is like having one child
-Having two children is like having four children
-Having three kids is like having five kids
-Having four kids is like having two kids.
The complexity going from one kid to two is that you, as a parental team, have shared the responsibility of taking care of one kid. Once you have two, that whole little unwritten sharing contract is out the door. You now must put out 4 times the effort to manage the two kids. Once you have three kids, the ratio starts to go down. Four kids might as well be none. If you have five kids, obviously the other wives can help to take care of all the little darlings.
Scientific studies say that sugar actually does not make your child hyper
Hell yes sugar makes your kid hyper. I don’t care what scientific studies say. Not only does it make them hyper, it makes them pre-hyper. If kids know about the existence of candy, which they do, they will desire it. Because kids only know about eating and crapping, that candy will fill 90% of their reality. And their reality will be jumping up and down and screaming. They want it and that’s it. Once you give it to them, they want more. If you deny it, they will kid bitch and kid bitching sucks.
My child is advanced
Every parent believes that their kid is somehow smarter than other kids and they will share this information with you. Wrong. Your child is just as stupid as the rest. Kids are only as smart as you let them be. I suggest a daily round of brow beatings to drop of heavy load of self doubt on your kid. Self doubters work harder and make more money to take care of you later in life. Unless your little Einstein is reading and writing at age four, go sit down. If they are reading and writing at age four, my kid with low self esteem is going to beat them up.
Having kids ruins your sex life
Ok, you’ve got me on this one.
Parents love their children equally
Bottom line, one kid is always going to be better than the others for some unknown, visceral reason. Either because they were the first or have more personality or they are smarter than the others. Parents also like the child that physically resembles them. I’m not saying it is a whole lot of difference in the amount of love, but that deep in the back of their minds, parents all ready have their “Sophie’s Choice” made up. If you are an only child, congrats. If you are adopted, you are screwed.
Parents check in to see how their child is sleeping
Parents “check in” on their kids every so often during nap or night time. As an outsider, you think that it is simply to see how the child is doing and is an act of love. In actuality, it is to see if the kid is dead or not breathing. The relief gained from having a not-dead child is priceless.
Having two kids is twice as hard as having one kid
Completely wrong. Here is the math:
-Having one child is like having one child
-Having two children is like having four children
-Having three kids is like having five kids
-Having four kids is like having two kids.
The complexity going from one kid to two is that you, as a parental team, have shared the responsibility of taking care of one kid. Once you have two, that whole little unwritten sharing contract is out the door. You now must put out 4 times the effort to manage the two kids. Once you have three kids, the ratio starts to go down. Four kids might as well be none. If you have five kids, obviously the other wives can help to take care of all the little darlings.
Scientific studies say that sugar actually does not make your child hyper
Hell yes sugar makes your kid hyper. I don’t care what scientific studies say. Not only does it make them hyper, it makes them pre-hyper. If kids know about the existence of candy, which they do, they will desire it. Because kids only know about eating and crapping, that candy will fill 90% of their reality. And their reality will be jumping up and down and screaming. They want it and that’s it. Once you give it to them, they want more. If you deny it, they will kid bitch and kid bitching sucks.
My child is advanced
Every parent believes that their kid is somehow smarter than other kids and they will share this information with you. Wrong. Your child is just as stupid as the rest. Kids are only as smart as you let them be. I suggest a daily round of brow beatings to drop of heavy load of self doubt on your kid. Self doubters work harder and make more money to take care of you later in life. Unless your little Einstein is reading and writing at age four, go sit down. If they are reading and writing at age four, my kid with low self esteem is going to beat them up.
Having kids ruins your sex life
Ok, you’ve got me on this one.
srijeda, lipnja 06, 2007
Irishmen joke
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat
this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost
nearly 90 pounds
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
instructions?"
The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I
were going to drop dead dat 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
- -
"No, . . . .
-
"from dat bloody skippin'!!!!!"
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat
this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost
nearly 90 pounds
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
instructions?"
The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I
were going to drop dead dat 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
- -
"No, . . . .
-
"from dat bloody skippin'!!!!!"
utorak, lipnja 05, 2007
ponedjeljak, lipnja 04, 2007
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