Mudrost

Gift Wrapping Tips for Men

Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.

The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally & dipped in a mixture of food coloring & liquid starch. They must be smoking crack. If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag & stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning:

YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.

In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.

Short but awfully bad

Q: What has the Irish weather and Cher got in common?

A: Neither of them has been f**king sunny in a long time.

IF A WOMAN SAYS................... SHE MEANS

40-ish .................................. 49
Adventurous .......................... Nymphomaniac
Artistic.................................Depressive
Athletic................................. Flat-chested
Beautiful ............................... Pathological liar
Bubbly .................................. Never shuts up
Contagious Smile .................... Bring your penicillin
Educated .............................. Opinionated
Emotionally Secure.................. Medicated
Feisty..................................Offensive
Feminist ............................... Fat, hairy ball-buster
Free Spirit............................. Substance user
Friendly................................Homely and / or promiscuous
Friendship First....................... Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun.....................................Annoying
Gentle.................................Comatose
Good Listener........................ Borderline Autistic
Gregarious............................ Drunk and / or promiscuous
New-Age.............................. All body hair, all the time
Old fashioned........................ Lights out, missionary position only
Open minded......................... Ugly and / or desperate
Outgoing ............................Loud
Passionate...........................Loud and manic
Professional ........................Real witch
Rubanesque........................... Grossly fat
Romantic .............................Looks better by candlelight
Voluptuous............................ Very fat
Wants soulmate...................... Borderline stalker
Young at heart....................... Old

IF A MAN SAYS............... HE MEANS

40-ish........................... 55 and looking for a 25yo
Artistic ......................... Unwashed
Athletic ........................ Sits on couch and watches sport
Average looking.............. Unusual hair growth on ears, nose and back
Bon viveur..................... Drunk
Creative ....................... Broke
Dependable .................. Boring
Educated ...................... Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit .................... Serial philanderer
Friendship First ............. Tight-fisted and / or ugly
Fun.............................. Good with a remote and a six-pack
Good Looking ............... Arrogant
Honest ........................ Pathological Liar
House Trained .............. Lifts seat before splashing floor
Huggable ..................... Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Intellectual .................. Arrogant, boring, bearded and / or bald
Likes to Cuddle............. Insecure, overly dependant
Loyal .......................... Desperate
Mature......................... Old
Open minded................ Wants to sleep with your sister as well
Physically fit ............... Spends a lot of time admiring himself
Rugged ....................... Raddled
Spiritual ..................... Once went to church with his grandmother
Stable ........................ Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Successful .................. Sad
Thoughtful .................. Says "please" when demanding a beer

Finally - a decent chain letter!

Hello, my name is Billy and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe, if you send them on, a poor six-year-old girl in Scotland with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show.

And, do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give $1000 to you, and everyone to whom you send “his” email?

How stupid are we?

Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I’ll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!

What a bunch of bullshit.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomise me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by St Peter in 5AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrim stowaways on the Endeavour.

Fuck ‘em!!

If you’re going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing.

I’ve seen all the “send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being” forwards about 90 times. I don’t fucking care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you’re actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it’s our own unpopularity.

The point being?

If you get some chain letter that’s threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.

If it’s funny, send it on.

Don’t piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the arse of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he’ll receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

Have a nice day.

Billy Connolly

COCKROACH VS. WEATHERMAN

Report Card

Father: Let me see your report card.

Son: My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.

Men are like....

1. Men are like ...Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like...Bananas ....... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ......Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ....Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like .....Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head
right for your hips.
6. Men are like ....Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like ....Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ......Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .....Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like ...Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many
inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ........Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like ...Parking Spots ....... All the good ones are taken, the
rest are handicapped.

Samo slučajnost ?

Abraham Lincoln
i
John F. Kennedy



Abraham Lincoln je 1860.
izabran za predjsednika.

John F. Kennedy je 1960.
izabran za predsjednika.




Abraham Lincoln je 1846.
izabran za kongres.

John F. Kennedy je 1946.
izabran za kongres.




Imena Lincoln i Kennedy
oba imaju po 7 slova.

Obojica su bili borci za

ljudska prava.





Supruge obojice predsjednika
izgubile su dijete dok su
živjele u Bijeloj kući.

Oba predsjednika su ubijena
hicem u glavu.





Obojica predsjednika ubijena

su u petak.

Lincolnova tajnice zvala se - Kennedy.

Kennedyjeva tajnica zvala se - Lincoln.




Obojicu predsjednika ubili su
južnjaci.

Obojicu predsjednika naslijedili su

južnjaci.




Imena obojice nasljednika

imaju 6 slova i obojici je prezime bilo Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, nasljednik Lincolna,
rođen je 1808.

Lyndon Johnson, nasljednik Kennedyja,
rođen je 1908.




John Wilkes Booth, Lincolnov ubojica,
rođen je 1839 .

Lee Harvey Oswald, Kennedijev ubojica,

rođen je 1939.



Obojica su poznata po svoja 3 imena.

Zbir slova u njihova tri imena u oba slučaja
je 15 .


Lincoln je umro u kazalištu ”Kennedy”.

Kennedy je umro u automobilu
marke “Lincoln”.




John Wilkes Booth je pokušao pobjeći iz
kazališta a bio uhapšen u jednoj zgradi.

Lee Harvey Oswald pokušao je pobjeći iz
zgrade i bio uhapšen u kazalištu.




I Booth i Oswald ubijeni su prije
suđenja...

A sada ono najnevjerojatnije...




Tjedan dana prije ubojstva Lincoln je bio na odmoru u Monroe, Maryland.

Tjedan dana prije ubojstva, Kennedy je bio na odmoru sa Marilyn Monroe.




Da li je to sve slučajnost… ?

Ili je moguće da sudbinom upravlja
viša sila koju ne poznajemo…?



Stvarnost vjerojatno ostaje u tami...


Dr. Quieks


P.S.
Ove informacije su istinite i mogu se provjeriti.

Samo za Mirelu!

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