:::Fwd: Fwd: Fwd:::

"Houston, we have a problem!" (Yugoslavian space program) trailer

2012-01-12T07:07:00.000-05:00

2012-01-05T20:54:00.000-05:00

Be careful with superglue

2012-01-05T20:53:00.000-05:00

Jegermaster reklama

2012-01-05T20:52:00.000-05:00

Crnogorska korida

2012-01-05T20:49:00.000-05:00

Nula kuna

2012-01-05T20:33:00.000-05:00

Hot tub

2012-01-05T20:26:00.000-05:00

Update of Windows

2012-01-05T20:22:00.000-05:00

The Astounding World of the Future

2012-01-03T09:09:00.001-05:00

From school

2011-12-16T17:39:00.000-05:00

20 Hilarious School Exam Answers

2010-04-07T20:21:00.000-04:00

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

The following questions were set in last year’s GCSE examination in England.

These are genuine answers from 16 year olds, not very bright, but entertaining, 16 year olds.

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery
.

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.

Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

Mujo i sat

2009-03-27T07:33:00.001-04:00

Vozi se Mujo u vozu, a nasuprot njega jedan zgodan momak. U jednom trenutku momak ga upita koliko je sati. Mujo izvadi iz dzepa svoj sat, pogleda u njega, spremi ga i suti. Nakon nekog vremena upita ga momak:
- Zasto necete da mi kazete koliko je sati?
- Zato, jer ako ti kazem, ti ces meni reci hvala. Ja cu tebi reci nema na cemu. Ti ces tada mene upitati kuda putujem, a ja cu tebi reci da idem u Tuzlu. Ti ces onda mene pitati koga imam u Tuzli, a ja cu tebi odgovoriti da tamo imam zenu i kcerku.
- Onda ces ti mene pitati koliko godina ima moja kcerka, a ja cu tebi odgovoriti da ima dvadeset.
- Onda ces ti mene pitati jeli moja kcerka lijepa, a ja cu ti odgovoriti da takove ljepotice malo gdje mozes
vidjeti.
- Onda ces ti htjeti da dodjes sa mnom u Tuzlu da ju upoznas, a ja cu te odvesti kuci.
- Kada ju vidis ti ces ju odmah zaprositi, a ja cu te onda morati poslati u picku materinu jer jebes zeta koji nema ni sat!

Redneck's postcard

2009-03-25T19:39:00.001-04:00

Uspješan direktor

2009-03-15T11:54:00.000-04:00

Precizan opis

2009-03-15T11:47:00.000-04:00

Jezične inovacije (6)

2009-03-15T11:44:00.001-04:00

Jezične inovacije (5)

2009-03-15T11:41:00.001-04:00

Jezične inovacije (4)

2009-03-15T11:39:00.001-04:00

Jezične inovacije (3)

2009-03-15T11:38:00.001-04:00

Jezične inovacije (2)

2009-03-15T11:37:00.001-04:00

Jezične inovacije (1)

2009-03-15T11:33:00.001-04:00

Little Johny

2009-03-09T10:13:00.003-04:00

Little Johnny's next-door neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby so Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with him before going to the neighbours.

He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behaviour and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to belt your butt when we get back home." "I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny. At the neighbour's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!"

The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny." Little Johnny continued, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good?".
The mother a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision". Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a good thing, cause he'd be f**ked if he needed to wear glasses".

TIPS FROM THE REDNECK BOOK OF MANNERS

2009-03-06T21:03:00.001-05:00

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It’s considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

4. Always have a positive comment about your date’s appearance, such as, “ya’ll sure don’t sweat much for a fat broad.”

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER

1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records

Toliko o poljupcima

2009-01-17T20:31:00.000-05:00

Piše Mate pismo svojoj ženi Mandi:
Draga ženo, ne mogu ovaj misec poslat plaću pa ti šaljen 100 pojubaca ...jubavi moja

Tvoj muž
Mate

Na to će njemu Manda:
Najdraži mužiću,
Hvala ti za tih 100 pojubaca; evo ti šajen detalje troškova:
1. Susid se složija da mu platin toškove razbijenog prozora sa 2 pojupca misečno
2. Lektričar se složija da mu platin struju pojupcima ali tek nakon mog sedmog pojupca
3. Vlasnik našeg stana dolazi svaki dan i traži 2 do 3 pojupca umjesto mjesečne najamnine
4. Vlasnik dućana nije prihvatija samo pojupce...pa san mu priuštila i nike druge stvari
5. Ostali troškovi: 40 poljubaca
Molin te , ne brini se za mene...ostalo mi je još nekih 35 pojubaca i nadam se da ću uspiti " rastegnuti ovaj misec".
Oću li isto tako planirat i za idući mjesec, molin te, reci mi šta da radin!!
Tvoja najdraža
Manda

Real money

2009-01-17T17:20:00.000-05:00

Free ride

2009-01-17T17:18:00.000-05:00

Farbanje broda

2009-01-17T17:00:00.001-05:00

Na natječaju za farbanje broda Queen Mary 2, posao dobije Mujo & Co iz
Doboja. Dolazi nadzorni organ provjeriti kako je pofarbano, gleda komisija
kvalitetu boje, koliko slojeva itd, s obale sve ok.
Sjednu u čamac vidjeti drugu stranu, kad ona uopće nije pofarbana.
- Jel' umijete vi, mr. Mujo, čitati ugovor?
- Jes vala, umijem.
- Pa što ste pofarbali samo jednu stranu?
- A jel' umijete Vi čitati ugovor? Lijepo piše da "farbanju broda
pristupaju, s jedne strane, Mujo & Co iz Doboja, a s druge strane
investitor". Il' farbajte svoju stranu, ili da pišemo neki aneks.

Daj se malo skoncentriraj

2009-01-17T16:52:00.001-05:00

Kupe dva kronera litru brlje (domaće) i raspravljaju dal'' da ju popiju odmah ili kasnije.
Nakon kraće prepirke predloži jedan da sakrije flašu iza leđa, pa ako drugi pogodi u kojoj je ruci, piju odmah.
Sakrije on flašu i veli:
- Ajde reci u kojoj je ruci?
Drugi veli:
- U lijevoj!
Na to će prvi:
- Daj se malo skoncentriraj!

Hofmanove kapljice

2009-01-17T16:40:00.000-05:00

Bračni par koji već više godina nema djece, došao je do liječnika za kojeg se priča da ima 100% uspjeha u liječenju takvih problema.
Liječnik ih je oboje pregledao, izvršio sve potrebne analize i na kraju zadržao suprugu zbog posebnog tretmana. Nešto kasnije liječnik izlazi u čekaonicu i kaže suprugu:
- Ništa nemojte brinuti, sve analize govore da će liječenje biti uspješno. Vašoj supruzi sam dao Hofmanove kapljice i rezultati će se vrlo brzo vidjeti.
Na to će suprug:
- Puno hvala doktore! Ne mogu Vam reći koliko nam to mnogo znači!
Zatim će potiho:
- Zakopčajte šlic, viri Vam Hofman...

Epic, indeed!

2009-01-17T16:17:00.000-05:00

Part

2009-01-17T16:14:00.000-05:00

Disleksičar

2009-01-17T16:11:00.001-05:00

Ulazi disleksičar u banku i veli:
"Zrak u ruke, pljačka vam materina, ovo je pička!"

Nije ptičar

2009-01-17T16:08:00.000-05:00

Dobio Mujo psa ptičara na poklon pa pozove Hasu da odu u lov na fazane da ga isprobaju.
I odu oni u lov i love sat, dva, tri i ništa.
Probaju oni drugi dan, a ono opet ništa.
I kaže Mujo Hasi:
- Haso, ili ovo nije ptičar ill ga mi prenisko bacamo.

Poruka gazdi

2009-01-17T16:05:00.000-05:00

U nekom kafiću jedna dama zanosnih oblina izašla je iz WC-a i sjela za šank. Nagnula se naprijed i privukla pažnju barmena. On ju promotri znatiželjnim pogledom, a ona mu uzvrati još dubljim naklonom izazivajući ga da joj priđe bliže. Barmen joj priđe skroz blizu unoseći joj se u lice; ona ispruži ruku i dotaknu mu nježno bradu te posve polako uvuče mu prste u kosu i nježnim glasom zapita:
- "Gospodine, jeste li vi vlasnik ovog bara?"
- "Nisam, gospođo" - sada već drhtavim glasom odgovori barmen i doda - "ali, mogu mu prenijeti vašu poruku ukoliko to želite."
Žena nije dugo čekala. Spretno je prešla kažiprstom preko mladićevih usana raširivsi ih lagano, polaaako, skroz polako te vrlo vješto stavi kažiprst između mladićevih usana i počne se poigravati mladićevim jezikom i nepcem. Vrlo uzbuđen, mladić nekako profrflja:
- "Recite mi što bih trebao prenijeti gazdi?"
Dama ustuknu i doda:
- "Molim vas, recite mu da u WC-u nema niti papira, niti sapuna niti ubrusa...

Pinokio na chatu

2009-01-16T17:51:00.000-05:00

Merry ... hm ....

2008-12-26T16:18:00.000-05:00

Funny Bush

2008-11-15T17:42:00.001-05:00

Dobra majica !

2008-09-09T16:11:00.000-04:00

Ženidbeni oglas

2008-09-09T16:10:00.000-04:00

Will and Guy's Computer Jokes for Vista

2008-09-07T09:17:00.003-04:00

The following are new Windows messages that have been introduced with Vista:

1.Frequently asked questions about Vista. No 1 Question - How do I get my money back? (Fact is stranger than fiction)

2.This will end your Vista session. Do you want to play another game?

3.Kennel stack overflow problem. Your new Patch is now available. Call at the vet and collect your dog.

4.BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
Suggested Action. Emigrate.

5.Upon completion of this investigation, Microsoft will take action to help solve your problem. This will involve remote execution of the user.

6.The media is corrupt. Therefore, don't read the manual - bribe a reporter.
Windows Update Service Problem. Waitress is sick.

7.A problem has been detected and Windows has been shut down to prevent damage to your computer. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

8.Path not found. Try the grass shortcut.

9.An operations error occurred. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

10.Press any key to continue, or any other key to quit.

11.Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

12.Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.

13.Vista object doesn't support this property or method. Close your eyes and press escape three times.

14.Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

15.User Error: Replace user.

16.No network provider accepted the given network path. In plain English, we have not got a clue what's wrong.

17.Vista message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

18.'Known issue' - it's just the solution that is unknown.

19.This network connection does not exist, and neither does any help.

20.This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."

21.Object already non-existent. Are you sure you still want to delete? (N/N)

22.The network location cannot be reached. To 'shutdown' your system, type 'WIN.'

23.COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

24.CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)

25,File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

26.Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

27.Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

28.Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

29.Vista_error 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

30.Workaround. The workaround does not work, but it makes us fell better to include it.

31.Windows VirusScan 1.0 - 'Windows Vista found: Remove it? (Y/N)'

32.Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...

33.If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?

34.Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

35.We are reading your error report, but we are not understanding.

36.Hold down the Numb Lock. Phone 555-1212-4590 and ask for Lulu.

37.You can provide feedback by completing the form. However, you are wasting your time because it goes to a sink account that we never read.

38.Disclaimer: We would like to thank Bart Simpson, who had the least to do with these solutions and was therefore of the most help.

Happy Father's Day add

2008-06-15T09:54:00.000-04:00

Jobs, jobs...

2008-06-03T07:33:00.003-04:00

Top 10 Best Job Ads of the World

50 Funniest Short Job Descriptions Ever

Funniest Strangest Job Titles Ever

Resume mistakes

2008-06-03T07:33:00.000-04:00

150 Funniest Resume Mistakes, Bloopers and Blunders Ever

Mujo i Engleski

2008-05-20T17:24:00.001-04:00

Srušio se avion u džunglu. Preživjelo nekoliko njih, medju njima:
Amer-FBI agent, Francuz, Rus i Mujo.

Amerikanac, obučeni agent, odmah počeo da naređuje i organizira:
"You will provide woods, you will find water, you (Mujo) will provide
supplies..."

Svi se vratili, našli drva za vatru, vodu... jedino Muje nema.
Kaže Amer:
"We have to find him" i krenu da ga traže po džungli.

U jednom trenutku primijete da se mrda jedan grm, priđu, kad ono
iskoci Mujo:

- Suplaaaaajs!!!

Reklama za Mcdonalds

2008-05-19T13:51:00.001-04:00

oooppssss.. 2

2008-05-19T13:49:00.000-04:00

Eto zašto ...

2008-05-19T13:47:00.000-04:00

Not for children

2008-05-19T13:45:00.000-04:00

Funny animals

2008-05-19T13:43:00.000-04:00

Hm...

2008-05-19T13:29:00.000-04:00

oopppsss...

2008-05-19T13:28:00.000-04:00

Smjesne životinje

2008-05-19T13:21:00.001-04:00

Malo razonode sa toalet papirom

2008-04-19T13:31:00.000-04:00

Last Supper

2008-04-11T16:26:00.001-04:00

Q: Why was there only bread and wine at The Last Supper?

A: It was a potluck and only men were invited.

Making comparisons

2008-04-11T16:21:00.000-04:00

In Heaven:
The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.

In Hell:
The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian.

~ ~ ~

In Computer Heaven:
The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.

In Computer Hell:
The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.

The Obedient Wife

2008-04-06T21:01:00.000-04:00

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

'Wait just a moment!'

She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,

'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him'

You mean to tell me you put that mone y in the casket with him!?!?!?'

'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'

Canadian Post Office job

2008-04-03T20:19:00.000-04:00

Harry Peters went to the Canadian Post Office to interview for a job.

The interviewer asked him, "Are you a veteran?"

"Yes, I served two tours in Vietnam."

"Good, that counts in your favor. Do you have any service related
disabilities?"

"I am 100% disabled. A mortar round blew off my testicles so they
declared me disabled, it doesn't affect my ability to work, though."

"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I
can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8am to 4pm. Come on in
about 10am, and we'll get you started."

"If working hours are from 8am to 4pm, why do you want me to come at
10am?"

"Well, this is a government organization. We don't do anything but sit
around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point of your coming in for that.

Pospanci

2008-04-01T13:33:00.000-04:00

Ken Lee ( Bulgarian Idol )

2008-03-20T12:29:00.000-04:00

Why I Love Ontario ....

2008-03-07T11:12:00.001-05:00

It's winter in Ontario
And the gentle breezes blow,
70 miles per hour at 52 below!

Oh, how I love Ontario
When the snow's up to your butt.
You take a breath of winter air
And your nose is frozen shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful,
I guess I'll hang around.
I could never leave Ontario,
'Cause I'm frozen to the ground.

Novinari bez granica

2008-03-07T11:10:00.000-05:00

The Real Ontario Driver's Handbook

2008-03-07T11:07:00.001-05:00

The 2007 version of the Ontario Driver's Handbook has been rewritten to include the following guidance:
1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident Ontario driver avoids using them.
2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you; the space will just be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less of a chance you have of getting hit.
4. Warning! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No-one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.
5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially with P.Q. or Maritime plates. With no fault insurance, the other operator has nothing to lose.
6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.
7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to prepare other drivers entering the highway.
8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures; they are given only as a suggestion and are not enforceable in Ontario during rush hour, especially in the G.T.A..
9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that an Ontario driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
10. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.
11. Learn to swerve abruptly without signalling. Ontario is the home of high-speed slalom-driving, thanks to the Department of Public Works, which puts pot-holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them
alert.
12. It is tradition in Ontario to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move within three milliseconds of the light turning green.
13. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or roll-over, it is important to exit your vehicle through the windshield right away. Wearing your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from danger.
14. Remember that the goal of every Ontario driver is to get ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.
THANK YOU
The Ontario Registrar of Motor Vehicles

30% less fat

2008-03-07T11:06:00.000-05:00

Self - defence

2008-03-07T11:05:00.000-05:00

Samsonite

2008-03-07T11:04:00.001-05:00

The world according to Bush

2008-03-07T11:04:00.000-05:00

Pasta mmmm....

2008-03-07T11:02:00.001-05:00

Protect your eyes

2008-03-07T11:00:00.000-05:00

Help your memory

2008-03-07T10:59:00.000-05:00

Food is good

2008-03-07T10:56:00.000-05:00

Sve što ste željeli znati o Sloveniji, a niste znali ni da postoji...

2008-03-07T10:54:00.000-05:00

MORE

Prema nekim novijim istraživanjima, Slovenija navodno ima more. Očevici tvrde da su ga vidjeli oko Pirana i Kopra, a prema njihovim svjedočanstvima u Piranskoj je luci zabranjeno sidrenje brodova dužih od 5 metara, jer zalaze u međunarodne vode. U sklopu koparskog hotela "Triglav" u tijeku je također i izgradnja suvremenog bazena s morskom vodom, čime će površina slovenskog teritorijalnog mora biti povećana za 42 posto. Slanost mu je nešto manje od 38 promila, čime slovensko more spada u neslanije šale ovog dijela Sredozemlja.

NAVODNO OSLOBODILAČKI RAT

Rat za nezavisnost Slovenije (1991.-1991.) jedan je od najkrvavijih, najdužih i najiscprljujućih ratova u povijesti čovječanstva. Od rata - u kojemu je ovu državu napalo nekoliko desetaka povampirenih regruta JNA sa 14 oklopnih transportera i koji je, s kraćim prekidima, trajao punih 7 dana - razrušena, spaljena i izmrcvarena Slovenija oporavila se u nepune tri godine, razvivši se u vodeću gospodarsku i vojnu silu Piranskog
zaljeva.

PRIRODNE OSOBINE

Republika Slovenija se nalazi na neatraktivnoj parceli u podnožju Alpa i prostire se na jedva 20 000 km2 (usporedbe radi, tolika su u Hrvatskoj bila samo okupirana područja, op.a.). Na karti Europe, Slovenija se nalazi izmedju Italije, Austrije, Mađarske i Hrvatske, ali se ne može vidjeti prostim okom (za lijepa vremena, Slovenija se može vidjeti tek na karti Republike Slovenije). Najviši planinski vrh je Triglav, visok 2863m, dok je najtuplji vrh državni. Klima je srednjeeuropska, u sjeverozapadnom dijelu alpska, a u posljednje vrijeme i antihrvatska.
Takva klima pogoduje uzgoju voća u Makedoniji.

STRUKTURA STANOVNIŠTVA

U Sloveniji živi oko 1 500 000 ljudi (usporedbe radi, toliko ih stane na zagrebački hipodrom), od čega ih je 16 posto škrtih i sebičnih, 14 posto uobraženih i umišljenih, 13 posto alternativnih, 6 posto debelih, 51 posto ženskih i 0.002 posto
nevinih. Iako službeni slovenski izvori tvrde da van matične zemlje živi oko 150 tisuća Slovenaca koji su otišli u emigraciju za vrijeme komunističkog režima, pravi je razlog taj što u ovu zapadnobalkansku državicu nisu svi mogli stati.

DRŽAVNO UREĐENJE

Slovenska država uređena je dosta ukusno i funkcionalno, obzirom na prilično skučen prostor. Lijevo od ulaza nalazi se prostrano Cerkniško polje i neobično namještena Postojnska jama. Kroz sredinu države vodi rijeka Sava, uz koju se prolazi pored najvećeg slovenskog naselja Ljubljane i dolazi do pomalo nametljivih Julijskih Alpa s nekoliko simpatičnih jezerca u podnožju. Desno od ulaza, pak, nalaze se nepretenciozni vinorodni brežuljci i decentno uređene poljoprivredne površine. Država ima i nekoliko sporednih ulaza, a na jugozapadu i prozor
s kojega za lijepa vremena puca čeznutljiv pogled na more.

PODRIJETLO

Slovenci su, u stvari, alpski Hrvati, a o njihovu hrvatskom podrijetlu govori i nedavno istraživanje provedeno među štedišama "Ljubljanske banke". Prema nekim uglednim antropolozima, Slovenci su nastali tako što je Edvard Kardelj Hrvatima jebo mater, nakon čega je jedan dio Hrvata krenuo osnovim pravcem razvoja socijalističkog samoupravljanja prema
zapadu. Uvjereni da su otkrili novu socijalističku republiku, naselili su se i postepeno potpuno potisnuli autohtono stanovništvo koje je, kako kaže predaja, bilo toliko škrto da su Hrvati tu zemlju nazvali "Slovenija".

SPORT

Od sportova u Sloveniji najpopularnije je plivanje. Kako slovensko more, međutim, nema propisane olimpijske dimenzije, Slovenci ne plivaju u moru,nego na snijegu. Pošto, pak, na snijegu ne mogu plivati, oni po njemu hodaju, a obzirom na činjenicu da po njemu ne mogu hodati, oni se po njemu kreću na naročitim drvenim letvama. Kako je, međutim, na tim letvama po snijegu nezgodno hodati, oni se njima spuštaju po planinskim padinama. Plivanje se u Sloveniji zove još i smučanje ili skijanje. Od ostalih sportova u usponu je alpinizam, dok je atletika u krizi jer trkači na srednjim i dugim prugama ne mogu dobiti austrijsku vizu.

U Sloveniji se ne smije pušit jer dim ulazi u Italiju

E da, i nemaju diskoteka jer buka smeta Austrijancima....

Made in China

2008-03-07T10:53:00.001-05:00

Math exam 3

2008-02-28T15:58:00.000-05:00

Math exam 2

2008-02-28T15:56:00.001-05:00

Math Exam

2008-02-28T15:56:00.000-05:00

Homeland security

2008-02-25T09:09:00.002-05:00

Nekad i sad

2008-02-17T14:41:00.000-05:00

RAJA ILI SMRT ČARŠIJE

2008-02-17T14:15:00.001-05:00

Ako zaista želiš saznati kakav je ko - pitaj čaršiju!

Čaršija sve zna i nikada ne laže!

Mudro i ispravno.

I zaista - nekada se sve znalo.. Tada je bilo i lakše i ljepše živjeti.

Rajska podjela na ljude na jednoj, i đubrad na drugoj strani, bila je najpoštenija i najispravnija iz prostog razloga jer je isključivala bilo kakve kulturne, nacionalne, religiozne, polne, rasne, intelektualne i slične razlike.

Ako si OK, onda si raja, ako nisi onda si đubre! Tu moralnu podobnost i pripadnost određivala je raja, čaršija i ljudi u njoj.

Bilo kakva prevara ili zabluda mogla je biti samo privremena i veoma brzo provaljena, a zaslužena titula, nosila se cijeli život. Tako da su vremenom i u našem gradu egzistirale raznorazne grupe koje su, na žalost, imale velikog uticaja u doskorašnjim dešavanjima na našim prostorima, svaka na svoj način. Međutim, njihova uloga u svemu tome, kao i slika njihove današnje sudbine bila bi nepotpuna kada se svaka grupa ne bi posebno okarakterisala.

Šupak. Sa sigurnošću se može ustvrditi da je najniži stadij našeg Sugrađanina bio i ostao šupak. Šupci su dolazili iz svih sredina i bilo ih je jako mnogo u svim društvenim i socijalnim strukturama. Karakteristično za njih je i to da su se mogli pronaći u svim religijama i svim nacionalnostima. Njihov stil življenja se sastojao uglavnom u podmetanju nogu svim drugim ljudima u njihovoj blizini (prije svega kvalitetnijim i vrednijim od njih samih), od krađa, prevara, intriga, laži, kao i svih ostalih niskih i animalnih poriva.

Šupčina je viši stadij šupka, a nižem stadiju se laskalo da je pakšu. To je veoma lukava, prepredena i pokvarena grupacija koja se vješto ubacivala, prilagođavala i uvlačila u tuđe guzice (kriterij je bio da su veće od njih samih) i to uglavnom iz koristi i ličnih interesa. Nije ih bilo teško prepoznati jer im je svima bilo zajedničko da u svakom momentu uzdižu materijalno iznad duhovnog, da puno vole i hvale samo ono što je njihovo, njihovo i samo njihovo, da vole vlast i da se nerijetko bave politikom, jer su i sami bili kurve u duši i nerijetko po profesiji.

Papak je nesto blaži oblik pakšua koji je najčešće dolazio iz prigradskih naselja, sela i iz nižih društvenih i socijalnih struktura. Njihov najveći zajeb je to što se nikada nisu mogli prilagoditi zakonima čaršije, mada su cijeli život težili tome. Papak voli selo, miris sijena i balege, Lepu Brenu i Cecu. Zatvore oči u transu kada čuju "Bum Cile bum...", nerijetko izazivaju i isprovociraju frku kada pocugaju, razbijaju čaše po kaficima, a "poslastica" im je dokazivanje muškosti, dok razbijaju prazne pivske flaše sami sebi od glavu?! Kad priča, papak pretjerano galami i mlatara rukama, obožava cvijetne ili geometrijske dezene na košuljama, a u unutrašnjem džepu sakoića obavezno se nađe ćakijica u slucaju "Ne daj Bože, nek se nađe...."

Papčina je viši stadij papka, a niži stadij je obogaćen epitetom ljaksafon. Za razliku od šupaka, ova romantična grupacija je primitivnija i bezazlenija, mada to pravilo ne vrijedi uvijek. Naime, na osnovu detaljnih čarsijsko-studijskih ispitivanja, pokazalo se da, kada papak postane šupak, što se nerijetko dešavalo, da ta mutacija zna biti itekako opasna. Omiljena profesija im je vojna naobrazba, policajac, portir, vatrogasac i sva ostala "uniformisana" zanimanja i još, ako ikako može, ponešto od oružja.

Na žalost, ova grupacija je bila jedna od najmasovnijih na našim bivšim prostorima što je uslovilo čak i nastanak i izgradnju jednog "novokomponovanog" dijela grada koji se zvao "Kineska četvrt", gdje su preko noći doveli svoje. Mada se tu nije mogao vidjeti nijedan kineski restoran ili zalutali kosooki sapadžija, ipak su rijetki i "normalni" stanovnici ovog naselja bili prinuđeni slušati jezik koji je u dobroj mjeri podsjećao na kineski: umijesto da kažu ovdje, tamo ili nedavno, u Kineskoj cetvrti se govorilo: tuj, nuj, o tojc....ojhaaaaaaaaa!!! Vrijedno je zabilježiti i to da se upravo na ovim prostorima, prvi put u našem gradu moglo vidjeti i čuti kako u mnogobrojnim, novootvorenim kafićima, umijesto Indexa ili Bijelog dugmeta, rastura Bum Cileeeeee Bummmmm & co.

Levati su face bez identiteta i u vječitoj potrazi za njim. Vrlo su podložni svim vrstama uticaja, u ovisnosti od situacija, prilika i neprilika u koje zapadnu i koje su im se nametale. Levate smo mogli vidjeti i sresti na velikim svjetskim koncertima u Sarajevu, Beogradu, Zagrebu, pa čak i u Beču (uglavnom samo zato da bi po povratku u naš grad mogli pričati o tome), ali i na koncertima narodnjaka i, normalno Bum Cile bum..., kako negdje u prikrajku oduševljeno i zadovoljno tapkaju u ritmu "božanskih tonova". Pripadnici iz redova ove populacije bili su maheri za ismijavanje papaka, dok su se šupaka uglavnom mudro klonuli, jer su dobro slutili njihov smrad i potencijalnu moć. Voljeli su se lijepo, pristojno i moderno oblačiti i patili su od "marke", bez obzira da li se radi o garderobi, automobilu ili tehničkim uređajima. Prirodno stanište ove, levatske, grupacije uglavnom je bilo "bliže" predgrađe tako da su se, prilikom izlaska u čaršiju, često mogli vidjeti po WC-ima mnogobrojnih derventskih kafića, kako (već upotrebljenom maramicom) ili toalet papirom glancaju cipele, skidajući sa njih prašinu ili čak blato.

Grebatori i đubrad su viši stadiji levata, a niži stadij možemo okarakterisati kao Muzevire. Mnogi pripadnici navedene grupacije uspješno su se transformisali u vrsne džeparoše i hapce. Zajednička osobina im je da su krajnje neodgovorni i nepouzdani, poročni, lijeni, beskarakterni i prevrtljivi iako se i među njima, mada rijetko, moglo pronaći "svijetlih primjera", koji su zaista pokušavali i bolje i više, ali su na kraju ipak ostajali samo levatići. Njihov najveći peh se sastojao u tome što nikada nisu bili svjesni da su stvarno levati.

Nasuprot svima njima, bila je Raja! Kako samo lijepo zvuči ta riječ! Mada iskonsko značenje te riječi ima sasvim drugo značenje, kod nas, kada kažeš za nekoga da je raja onda, to jednostavno znaci, da je tip OK. Znači da se možeš pouzdati u njega, da te od njega nikada neće zaboliti glava, da te neće žednog prevesti preko vode, da mu možeš vjerovati i da on od tebe očekuje da mu vjeruješ. Znači da te nikada (bez razloga) neće izlevatiti, da nije šupak i da iskreno sažaljeva papke. Ne voli grebatore i muzevire i užasava se gluposti i sile. Raja je sinonim za dobrog čovjeka, prijatelja ili komšiju, za iskrenog, poštenog i "pravog igrača".

Viši stadij za Raju je Jaran, a niži (sto je i sasvim prirodno i za očekivati) ne postoji. Ova grupacija je plemenita, humana i solidarna, a jedina mana im je (pa i nije baš neka mana) što nerijetko vole cugati. Ponekad čak i previše, tako da se moze, greškom, dobiti nerealna slika o njima. Dešavalo da u cugi izgube osjećaj za vrijeme i prostor, tako da su poneke karakterne crte znale dobiti obrnuti smisao. Međutim, masa njihovih drugih kvaliteta u dobroj mjeri amortizuje ovu manu, tako da, mada su porodični problemi učestala pojava kod ove grupacije, oni su ipak i zauvijek voljeni jer znaju, hoce i ne ustručavaju se da vole druge i da im poklanjaju svoju ljubav. Žene i cuga su im slabost, ali to je samo rezultat prekomjerne i učestale akumulacije pozitivnih i divnih vibracija, kao i potrebe za oslobođenjem tih osjećaja. U svakom društvu su rado viđeni iz prostog razloga jer su pozitivni, progresivni, spontani, nonšalantni i jer umiju animirati sredinu i iz ničega napraviti feštu. Uvijek su okruženi prijateljima i oni im neopisivo mnogo znače u životu.

Eto, tako je nekada bilo! Znalo se ko je raja, ko je levat, ko papak i ko je šupak. Sve se znalo!

Selekciju je, normalno, pravila raja, koja je jedina i imala pravo na to, prije svega iz potrebe za samoodržanjem, ali i iz prijeke potrebe za očuvanjem pravih vrijednosti. I svima bilo dobro.

Ali šta se desilo?

Dođoše neka čudna, morbidna i teška vremena. Probudiše se aveti mraka, pritajeni brižljivo njegovani u bolesnim šupačkim umovima. Pohasiše se, šatro religiozno i nacionalno, na sve tri strane šupci i naložiše neke opet religiozne i nacionalistički naoštrene papke i poluljude, jedne na druge?! A papci kó papci, jedva dočekali! Sve što je nekada bilo nenormalno - preko noći postade normalno?! Proglasiše sami sebi ulogu neke, samo njima objašnjive, ugrožene žrtve i postadoše dželati! Kao, bore se jedni protiv drugih, a opet svi isto rade! Sve po potrebi i mogućnosti. Šupci zavrištaše mašući zastavama, papci zavitlaše kamama, a levati se izgubiše u tome svemu, prepuštajuci se zakonu jačeg, ali i ne bježeći od njega. I jedni, i drugi i treći utopiše se u tom "sveopštem narodnom veselju", vrlo lako pronađoše sebe i svoje mjesto u tome svemu, zavladaše i napraviše neke druge, kažu "svoje" podjele!

A meni lično, osim nacionalnih, teško vidjeti neke druge!

I bilo bi nepošteno, a ne spomenuti svačiju ulogu u tom paklu. Neko će se zapitati, a šta je sa Rajom? Na zalost, Raja je šutila?! Raja je samo, kao mudro, gledala i šutila. I popušila!

Prođe rat - šupci se obogatiše, papci se ispucaše i oćejfiše, a levati se prilagodiše.

Da nije smiješno, bilo bi za plakati.

Baby laugh

2008-02-08T17:41:00.000-05:00

Fridge magnet

2008-02-05T13:16:00.000-05:00

What a coincidence

2008-02-04T07:38:00.000-05:00

A chicken farmer went into a local tavern, took a seat at the bar
next to a woman patron, and orders a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says "How about that? I just ordered a glass of
champagne, too!"

He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence."

"This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating" he says.

"This is a special day for me, too, I'm also celebrating!" says the
woman.

"What a coincidence" says the farmer.

They clinked glasses. He asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my
gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence." says the farmer. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks." he replied.

"What a coincidence," she says.

Redneck's dog

2008-02-03T10:45:00.000-05:00

One hot summer day, a redneck came to town with his dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?' The redneck said it was his. 'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said. The redneck replied, 'No way. she's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.' The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.' 'No way,' said the redneck. 'That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin'.' The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex!'

The redneck looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.

Bushism ( this one is growing post )

2008-01-14T07:43:00.000-05:00

"Rarely is the question asked, is our children learning?"

Bush dares us to imagine ourselves as working mothers, "working hard to put food on your family."

"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYN's aren't able to practice their love with women all across the country."

"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."

"This is still a dangerous world. It's a world of madmen and uncertainty and potential mential losses."

"I think anybody who doesn't think I'm smart enough to handle the job is misunderestimating."

"One of the things I’ve used on the Google is to pull up maps."

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

"We are going to have the best educated American children in the world."

"You know, when I campaigned here in 2000, I said, I want to be a war President. No President wants to be a war President, but I am one."
—Des Moines, Iowa, Oct. 26, 2006

"I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft." --George W. Bush, second presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful - and so are we, they never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people - and neither do we." George W Bush at a Pentagon meeting, August 2004

"Do you have blacks, too?" -George W. Bush, to Brazilian President Fernando Cardoso, Nov. 8, 2001, as reported in an April 28, 2002, Estado Sao Pauloan column by Fernando Pedreira, a close friend of President Cardoso

"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.'' —Townsend, Tenn., Feb. 21, 2001

"This morning my administration released the budget numbers for fiscal 2006. These budget numbers are not just estimates; these are the actual results for the fiscal year that ended February the 30th." —Referring to the fiscal year that ended on Sept. 30, Washington, D.C., Oct. 11, 2006.

"One has a stronger hand when there's more people playing your same cards." —Washington, D.C., Oct. 11, 2006

"You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror." —Interview with CBS News, Washington D.C., Sept. 6, 2006

"The most important source of information on where the terrorists are hiding and what they are planning is the terrorists themselves," - Well it sure isn't the 'Intelligence' community that told of the WMDs in Iraq.

"This program has helped us to take mass murderers off the streets before they have a chance to kill," - then they aren't really mass murders are they?

"The important question is, How many hands have I shaked?" —Answering a question about why he hasn't spent more time in New Hampshire, in the New York Times, Oct. 23, 1999

"If people want to get to know me better, they've got to know my parents and the values my parents instilled in me, and the fact that I was raised in West Texas, in the middle of the desert, a long way away from anywhere, hardly. There's a certain set of values you learn in that experience." —Washington, D.C., May 5, 2006

"The point now is how do we work together to achieve important goals. And one such goal is a democracy in Germany." —Washington, D.C., May 5, 2006

"I'm the decider, and I decide what is best. And what's best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the secretary of defense." —Washington, D.C., April 18, 2006

< to be continued>

The best of "Hrvatski telefonski imenik"

2008-01-11T17:29:00.000-05:00

Ak ne vjerujete, potražite u imeniku!!!

http://www.tportal.hr/imenik/

PREZIME, IME

01 2946 220 - BEČAR ŠAHDO
01 2993 430 - GEGIĆ GEGA
01 3375 404 - ČIKA ĐORĐE
01 3631 707 - HADŽIDERVIŠAGIĆ DŽEZBEDARA
01 6258 465 - LEŠINA VESELA
01 6640 750 - MAMUTI SELIM
01 6678 765 - DEGEN ERIKA
021 389 032 - ĐOKOVIĆ KITICA
021 635 377 - ŠĆEPANOVIĆ KITA
021 741 925 - BISER ŠERIF
021 863 048 - ZLOĆO MLAĐI
022 662 250 - ČETNIK OJDANA
032 322 314 - SILOV ANNA
034 263 157 - PIŠA KATICA
035 375 326 - JAJALO PILE
042 311 277 - FUKSA MIRA
044 682 419 - RADI ĐON
044 815 166 - ALIMI NAĐI
047 553 050 - KLISKA MICA
048 638 353 - GUZI DRAGA
051 643 722 - ŠUPAK RADOVAN
051 725 980 - CURI ĐON
051 775 489 - BILALI NEBI
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031 300 506 - JANKO ŠTAKOR
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051 214 292 - ZMAJ DEFILIPIS
043 881 373 - NEBOJŠA KOBASICA
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099 460 776 - KIFLA GAMES (TVRTKA)
01 3894 294 - GOLUB LASICA
048 624 649 - VIŠNJA VIŠNJIĆ
098 844 315 - JUPITER BEM
01 2001 676 - BANANA KUNINA
098 846 268 - ELVIRA PAPIGA
098 666 626 - HUNTER JELEN
021 385 929 - SATURNIN PUTNIKOVIĆ
043 485 214 - MIROSLAV KOBRA
051 800 252 - MUJO JAZAVAC
031 591 054 - SRBISLAV SRBLJANOVIĆ
051 878 103 - NARANČA MAMULA
098 410 271 - DINO URIN
021 410 271 - GRGO GRGA
053 753 040 - LUKA TUKA
031 609 220 - LUKA ŠTUKA
098 870 766 - JOHN DILLINGER
051 541 355 - MUSTAFA ZAKLAN
052 816 914 - ŠERIF ŠERIFI
033 784 020 - MISLIM MISLIMI
01 3862 011 - STJEPAN KALAŠNIKOV
01 3862 905 - FRANJO ŠMAJSER
052 774 338 - PETER KILLER
098 723 870 - JURICA BOMBAŠ
040 851 411 - VLADO ZABAVNIK
098 9576 858 - ELVIRA ĆUFTA
01 3830 117 - JELA BOŽIĆ
020 422 165 - MARIJA ZVIJER
098 429 661 - SVEMIR TRAVICA

Mudrost

2007-12-28T06:21:00.001-05:00

Gift Wrapping Tips for Men

2007-12-23T06:04:00.000-05:00

Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.

The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally & dipped in a mixture of food coloring & liquid starch. They must be smoking crack. If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag & stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning:

YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.

In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.

Short but awfully bad

2007-12-22T12:49:00.000-05:00

Q: What has the Irish weather and Cher got in common?

A: Neither of them has been f**king sunny in a long time.

IF A WOMAN SAYS................... SHE MEANS

2007-12-22T12:47:00.000-05:00

40-ish .................................. 49
Adventurous .......................... Nymphomaniac
Artistic.................................Depressive
Athletic................................. Flat-chested
Beautiful ............................... Pathological liar
Bubbly .................................. Never shuts up
Contagious Smile .................... Bring your penicillin
Educated .............................. Opinionated
Emotionally Secure.................. Medicated
Feisty..................................Offensive
Feminist ............................... Fat, hairy ball-buster
Free Spirit............................. Substance user
Friendly................................Homely and / or promiscuous
Friendship First....................... Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun.....................................Annoying
Gentle.................................Comatose
Good Listener........................ Borderline Autistic
Gregarious............................ Drunk and / or promiscuous
New-Age.............................. All body hair, all the time
Old fashioned........................ Lights out, missionary position only
Open minded......................... Ugly and / or desperate
Outgoing ............................Loud
Passionate...........................Loud and manic
Professional ........................Real witch
Rubanesque........................... Grossly fat
Romantic .............................Looks better by candlelight
Voluptuous............................ Very fat
Wants soulmate...................... Borderline stalker
Young at heart....................... Old

IF A MAN SAYS............... HE MEANS

2007-12-22T12:46:00.000-05:00

40-ish........................... 55 and looking for a 25yo
Artistic ......................... Unwashed
Athletic ........................ Sits on couch and watches sport
Average looking.............. Unusual hair growth on ears, nose and back
Bon viveur..................... Drunk
Creative ....................... Broke
Dependable .................. Boring
Educated ...................... Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit .................... Serial philanderer
Friendship First ............. Tight-fisted and / or ugly
Fun.............................. Good with a remote and a six-pack
Good Looking ............... Arrogant
Honest ........................ Pathological Liar
House Trained .............. Lifts seat before splashing floor
Huggable ..................... Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Intellectual .................. Arrogant, boring, bearded and / or bald
Likes to Cuddle............. Insecure, overly dependant
Loyal .......................... Desperate
Mature......................... Old
Open minded................ Wants to sleep with your sister as well
Physically fit ............... Spends a lot of time admiring himself
Rugged ....................... Raddled
Spiritual ..................... Once went to church with his grandmother
Stable ........................ Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Successful .................. Sad
Thoughtful .................. Says "please" when demanding a beer

Finally - a decent chain letter!

2007-12-21T04:04:00.001-05:00

Hello, my name is Billy and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe, if you send them on, a poor six-year-old girl in Scotland with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show.

And, do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give $1000 to you, and everyone to whom you send “his” email?

How stupid are we?

Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I’ll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!

What a bunch of bullshit.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomise me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by St Peter in 5AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrim stowaways on the Endeavour.

Fuck ‘em!!

If you’re going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing.

I’ve seen all the “send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being” forwards about 90 times. I don’t fucking care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you’re actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it’s our own unpopularity.

The point being?

If you get some chain letter that’s threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.

If it’s funny, send it on.

Don’t piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the arse of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he’ll receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

Have a nice day.

Billy Connolly

COCKROACH VS. WEATHERMAN

2007-12-21T04:00:00.000-05:00

Report Card

2007-12-21T03:55:00.001-05:00

Father: Let me see your report card.

Son: My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.

Men are like....

2007-12-16T20:44:00.000-05:00

1. Men are like ...Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like...Bananas ....... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ......Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ....Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like .....Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head
right for your hips.
6. Men are like ....Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like ....Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ......Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .....Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like ...Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many
inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ........Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like ...Parking Spots ....... All the good ones are taken, the
rest are handicapped.

Samo slučajnost ?

2007-12-03T13:40:00.000-05:00

Abraham Lincoln
i
John F. Kennedy

Abraham Lincoln je 1860.
izabran za predjsednika.

John F. Kennedy je 1960.
izabran za predsjednika.

Abraham Lincoln je 1846.
izabran za kongres.

John F. Kennedy je 1946.
izabran za kongres.

Imena Lincoln i Kennedy
oba imaju po 7 slova.

Obojica su bili borci za

ljudska prava.

Supruge obojice predsjednika
izgubile su dijete dok su
živjele u Bijeloj kući.

Oba predsjednika su ubijena
hicem u glavu.

Obojica predsjednika ubijena

su u petak.

Lincolnova tajnice zvala se - Kennedy.

Kennedyjeva tajnica zvala se - Lincoln.

Obojicu predsjednika ubili su
južnjaci.

Obojicu predsjednika naslijedili su

južnjaci.

Imena obojice nasljednika

imaju 6 slova i obojici je prezime bilo Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, nasljednik Lincolna,
rođen je 1808.

Lyndon Johnson, nasljednik Kennedyja,
rođen je 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, Lincolnov ubojica,
rođen je 1839 .

Lee Harvey Oswald, Kennedijev ubojica,

rođen je 1939.

Obojica su poznata po svoja 3 imena.

Zbir slova u njihova tri imena u oba slučaja
je 15 .

Lincoln je umro u kazalištu ”Kennedy”.

Kennedy je umro u automobilu
marke “Lincoln”.

John Wilkes Booth je pokušao pobjeći iz
kazališta a bio uhapšen u jednoj zgradi.

Lee Harvey Oswald pokušao je pobjeći iz
zgrade i bio uhapšen u kazalištu.

I Booth i Oswald ubijeni su prije
suđenja...

A sada ono najnevjerojatnije...

Tjedan dana prije ubojstva Lincoln je bio na odmoru u Monroe, Maryland.

Tjedan dana prije ubojstva, Kennedy je bio na odmoru sa Marilyn Monroe.

Da li je to sve slučajnost… ?

Ili je moguće da sudbinom upravlja
viša sila koju ne poznajemo…?

Stvarnost vjerojatno ostaje u tami...

Dr. Quieks

P.S.
Ove informacije su istinite i mogu se provjeriti.

Samo za Mirelu!

2007-12-02T14:27:00.001-05:00

Ajde sad ponovi ovo

2007-12-01T12:56:00.000-05:00

Golfer's wedding

2007-11-23T16:25:00.000-05:00

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said:" What are your golf clubs doing here"?

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?

Happy Thanksgiving!

2007-11-23T16:22:00.000-05:00

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?"

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.

Parkiranje

2007-11-22T20:23:00.000-05:00

Psychic Reading

2007-10-19T17:29:00.000-04:00

A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her hands float up above the table and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"

The woman, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"

"Yes, granddaughter. It's me."

"It's really, really you, grandmother?" the woman repeats.

"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."

The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"

"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."

The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."

"Anything, my child."

"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"